British Humour is different

[Woodchips2]

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little b……..
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

__________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off

Regards Keith

 

[Mike.S]

=D>
Loved the Encyclopedia and talking teacher jokes - perhaps bcause I'm married to a Teacher's Assistant

 

[graduate_owner]

I like this one-

Teacher asks pupil to spell 'king'

Pupil - please miss we don't have a king, we have a queen
Teacher- yes I know, but I would still like you to spell king
Pupi- but miss, we don't have a king

So this goes on for a while, in the end the teacher raises her voice and shouts - look, just spell king will you?
Pupil - KINGF
teacher - what? There's no F in king
Pupil - miss, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

Well I liked it anyway.

K

 

[blackrodd]

I like this one-

Teacher asks pupil to spell 'king'

Pupil - please miss we don't have a king, we have a queen
Teacher- yes I know, but I would still like you to spell king
Pupi- but miss, we don't have a king

So this goes on for a while, in the end the teacher raises her voice and shouts - look, just spell king will you?
Pupil - KINGF
teacher - what? There's no F in king
Pupil - miss, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

Well I liked it anyway.

K

Excellent I wonder how long this will be here!
Rodders

 

[DiscoStu]

I liked all of those!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[blackrodd]

Well done woodchips, some good stuff there!
Regards Rodders

 

[Phil Pascoe]

When I read that one it was no f in cod in a chip shop.

 

[dzj]

It's not that different. Most people I know prefer it to the American variety.
Check out this graffiti near my in-laws block of flats.

 

[Mike.S]

Check out this graffiti near my in-laws block of flats.

Great subject and artwork! I'm guessing from the roof outline that your in-laws don't live in Peckham

 

[Cheshirechappie]

I like this one-

Teacher asks pupil to spell 'king'

Pupil - please miss we don't have a king, we have a queen
Teacher- yes I know, but I would still like you to spell king
Pupi- but miss, we don't have a king

So this goes on for a while, in the end the teacher raises her voice and shouts - look, just spell king will you?
Pupil - KINGF
teacher - what? There's no F in king
Pupil - miss, that's what I've been trying to tell you.

Well I liked it anyway.

K

There's no 'F' in justice, either.....

---------------


A small, scruffy Yorkshireman is standing in the dock, listening to the charge being read to him. At the end of that, the Judge turns to him and says, "You have heard the charge. Do you plead guilty or not guilty?"

The Yorkie thinks for a minute. Then says, "Any chance of hearing t'evidence afore I mek me mind oop?"

 

[dzj]

Great subject and artwork! I'm guessing from the roof outline that your in-laws don't live in Peckham

No, not Peckham, but they do live in a housing estate, in a building similar to the Nelson Mandela house.

 

[artie]

The Yorkie thinks for a minute. Then says, "Any chance of hearing t'evidence afore I mek me mind oop?"

If you think about it, there is a lot of sense in that.