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Robbo3

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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious!!
 

Turnr77

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While out on a hunting expedition, a man is climbing over a fallen tree when his shotgun goes off, hitting him straight in the groin.
Rushed to hospital, he awakes from the anaesthetic to find the surgeon has done a marvellous job repairing the damage but looking at his member there still appear to be some holes.
As he dresses to go home, the surgeon wanders over and explains that due to the amount of damage there needs to be 2 to 3 months of the flesh healing before he can complete the repairs, he then hands him a business card. ‘This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him.’
The guy is shocked. ‘But it says here that he’s a professional flute player,’ he says. ‘How can he help me?’ The doctor smiles. ‘Well,’ he says, ‘he’s going to show you where to put your fingers so you don't p**s in your eye.
 

Wildman

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Just because grannies are female and old (usually) doesn’t mean they don’t have a sense of humour. I suspect it’s more a variation between Britain and the good ol USA thing. Firsthand experience here – my Pam is American and care has to be used on the comedy front.
I remember in the 70s, American tourists being shocked at adverts showing women in underwear on the subway walls in London.
Your starter for 10 where is this from, " don’t look Ethel , but it was too late she's already been incensed."
Edit, sorry I should’ve said, not everybody knows that Noel the site owner is American – that’s right isn’t it Noel?
Double edit, sorry I got it wrong Noel isn’t the owner but the owner is American.
the streak
 

MorrisWoodman12

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Husband is walking along behind his wife and says “Your backside looks like an old washing machine”.
The wife remains silent.
Later on the husband is getting amorous.
His wife says “I’m not starting my washing machine for such a small load. You'll have to do it by hand.”
 
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