• We invite you to join UKWorkshop.
    Members can turn off viewing Ads!

Joke thread

UKworkshop.co.uk

Help Support UKworkshop.co.uk:

mikej460

Established Member
Joined
19 Jan 2019
Messages
861
Reaction score
537
Location
Daventry
On our village facebook page yesterday someone posted asking for a reliable company to cut down some of her trees and one villager replied 'HS2'.
 

Cozzer

Established Member
Joined
13 Jun 2017
Messages
140
Reaction score
210
Location
Derbyshire
Played football yesterday - first time in ages. I was "called up" for the second leg because some of the regular team were missing.
I certainly know about it this morning!
Fairly decent pitch, except it was actually compacted gravel.
We won 3-1 on aggregate.
 

Cozzer

Established Member
Joined
13 Jun 2017
Messages
140
Reaction score
210
Location
Derbyshire
Had a nasty letter from the bank this morning. I don't understand why they've got so upset when I can't repay my loans.

They knew I hadn't any money when I borrowed it....
 

Cozzer

Established Member
Joined
13 Jun 2017
Messages
140
Reaction score
210
Location
Derbyshire
Just been thinking about some of Dave Allen's quips from years gone by....one of my favourites was when he discovered that, as he grew older, his back was getting hairier.
He wasn't sure whether it was growing down from his neck, or up from his ar5e.....
 

Cozzer

Established Member
Joined
13 Jun 2017
Messages
140
Reaction score
210
Location
Derbyshire
Funny, the things you find out about your wife after many years of marriage.
I never knew that, when younger, she had an interest in exotic birds....
Just been overhearing a bloke at the bar who obviously used to know her, and was telling his mate that she liked a cockatoo...
 

Droogs

Is that chisel shar ... Ow
Joined
14 Mar 2013
Messages
4,658
Reaction score
1,563
Location
Edinburgh
Played football yesterday - first time in ages. I was "called up" for the second leg because some of the regular team were missing.
I certainly know about it this morning!
Fairly decent pitch, except it was actually compacted gravel.
We won 3-1 on aggregate.

OH FOR THE LOVE OF SWIRLY GRAIN!! @Angie will you hurry up and give us a groan emojie
 

Droogs

Is that chisel shar ... Ow
Joined
14 Mar 2013
Messages
4,658
Reaction score
1,563
Location
Edinburgh
Hi @AES apparently, I appear to be on the mend according to those much more learned than me. Finished the antibiotics today and now walk with only 1 crutch.
 
  • Like
Reactions: AES

Robbo3

Established Member
Joined
28 Jan 2012
Messages
2,227
Reaction score
402
Location
Oxfordshire
A drunken Irishman who smelled of beer sat down in an underground train, next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his
face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for
your fellow man, Sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned.” Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
 
Top