Joke Thread 4
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stuart little
Established Member
Someone tell me when to larf! Or is it 'cos I'm orf to dentist? 
Doug B
Shy Tot
One day Jesus decided to stroll down to the Pearly Gates. No sooner did he get there than St. Peter exclaimed, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here, I need to go to the bathroom bad! Watch the Gates for me, will you?”
“But what am I supposed to do if someone comes?” Jesus asked.
“Have them fill out the intake sheet,” Peter said, pointing to his lectern. “I gotta run — ‘bye!”
“But —“ Jesus said, too late; Peter was out of earshot. Jesus was studying the intake sheet when he saw an old man tentatively approaching the Gates. “Welcome to Heaven, sir!” he said.
The old man stared. “Heaven — is it true? I’m in heaven?” he whispered. When Jesus nodded, the old man dropped to his knees and said, “Oh, how wonderful! Maybe now I can finally find my son!”
Jesus helped him to his feet and said, “I’ll be happy to let you in, but first I need to get some information from you so we know where to put you. Now, while you were on earth, what did you do for a living?”
“I was a carpenter,” the old man replied.
Jesus was struck by the coincidence but made a note on the intake sheet and moved on to the next question. “About your family — you say you have, or had, a son, and you believe he’s here already, is that correct?”
“Well, I don’t know for sure,” the old man said, “we were separated a long time ago, and I heard that he died. But he was a very good man, so I know that if he died, he’ll be here.”
Moved with pity for the old man, Jesus replied, “If he is here, we’ll certainly help you find him. Can you give us a description of him?” To which the old man replied, “Oh, he’ll be easy for you to recognize—he has nail holes in his hands and feet.”
Carpenter, good man, separated from family, nail holes — Jesus stared at the old man, dropped his pen and paper, thrust out his hands, and cried, “Papa!!!”
And the old man, tears in his own eyes, thrust out his hands and cried, “Pinocchio!!!”
“But what am I supposed to do if someone comes?” Jesus asked.
“Have them fill out the intake sheet,” Peter said, pointing to his lectern. “I gotta run — ‘bye!”
“But —“ Jesus said, too late; Peter was out of earshot. Jesus was studying the intake sheet when he saw an old man tentatively approaching the Gates. “Welcome to Heaven, sir!” he said.
The old man stared. “Heaven — is it true? I’m in heaven?” he whispered. When Jesus nodded, the old man dropped to his knees and said, “Oh, how wonderful! Maybe now I can finally find my son!”
Jesus helped him to his feet and said, “I’ll be happy to let you in, but first I need to get some information from you so we know where to put you. Now, while you were on earth, what did you do for a living?”
“I was a carpenter,” the old man replied.
Jesus was struck by the coincidence but made a note on the intake sheet and moved on to the next question. “About your family — you say you have, or had, a son, and you believe he’s here already, is that correct?”
“Well, I don’t know for sure,” the old man said, “we were separated a long time ago, and I heard that he died. But he was a very good man, so I know that if he died, he’ll be here.”
Moved with pity for the old man, Jesus replied, “If he is here, we’ll certainly help you find him. Can you give us a description of him?” To which the old man replied, “Oh, he’ll be easy for you to recognize—he has nail holes in his hands and feet.”
Carpenter, good man, separated from family, nail holes — Jesus stared at the old man, dropped his pen and paper, thrust out his hands, and cried, “Papa!!!”
And the old man, tears in his own eyes, thrust out his hands and cried, “Pinocchio!!!”
Doug B
Shy Tot
Jaco
Established Member
Hell and the Devil
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil...
Devil: Why are you so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we
do is drink. . . Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the
finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no worries - you’re already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow. What about Drugs???
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl
of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You
can do all the drugs you want - you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No...
Devil: .........Ooooh (grimaces). You're gonna hate Fridays
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil...
Devil: Why are you so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!
Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we
do is drink. . . Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee, that sounds great!
Devil: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the
finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no worries - you’re already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow... that's awesome!
Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Devil: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack,
Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...well, you're dead anyhow. What about Drugs???
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl
of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You
can do all the drugs you want - you're dead, who cares.
Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!
Devil: You gay?
Guy: No...
Devil: .........Ooooh (grimaces). You're gonna hate Fridays
Jaco
Established Member
Divorce
A married couple are driving down the highway doing 80kms per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel.His wife looks over at him and say's''Honey,I know we've been married for 15 years,but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed up to 90kms per hour
The wife then says "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,because I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says,"I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up and is now doing 100kms per hour.
She says,"Iwant the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster and is now up to 110kms per hour.
She says,"I want the car,the cheque account and all the credit cards too."The husband slowly starts to veer towards a bridge overpass piling as she says,'Is there anything you want?"
The husband says,"No I've got everything I need."
She asks,'Whats that?"
The husband replies (just before they hit the wall at 110kms per hour)"I've got the airbag!"
A married couple are driving down the highway doing 80kms per hour.
The husband is behind the wheel.His wife looks over at him and say's''Honey,I know we've been married for 15 years,but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases the speed up to 90kms per hour
The wife then says "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,because I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says,"I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up and is now doing 100kms per hour.
She says,"Iwant the kids too."
The husband just keeps driving faster and is now up to 110kms per hour.
She says,"I want the car,the cheque account and all the credit cards too."The husband slowly starts to veer towards a bridge overpass piling as she says,'Is there anything you want?"
The husband says,"No I've got everything I need."
She asks,'Whats that?"
The husband replies (just before they hit the wall at 110kms per hour)"I've got the airbag!"
The_Yellow_Ardvark
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
bushwhaker
Established Member
BACK TO THE FUTURE
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Doug B
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