Free standing wood panelling...???!!!

[Tasky]

Morning....

Spent several hours on the phone with a friend last night. He's just paid off his mortgage and will be moving to a new house, while doing up both at the same time. He's a bit of an oddball and slightly eccentric - IT guru in terms of app support and programming Windows/Linux/Unix, but cannot master WhatsApp, Kindle or basic driver updates.
Would probably be more at home in his own castle-mansion, sort of thing.

Anyway, he says he wants wood panelling in both properties...
Ideally some Tudor/Jacobean sort of thing, but so long as it looks good he's happy. It can be chipboard with laminate or even vinyl sheet stick over it, so long as it looks good. He's currently perusing something like NaffHardwoodFloorsRUs.co.uk, some sister brand of OakFurnitureLand.com who offer "Quality French Oak" laminated plywood T&G boards for rip-off money.

Problem is, he wants it to be free-standing, no fixing to the wall... and strong enough to hold the weight of mounted things - mainly paintings, swords and muskets..... and the sections must break down so they will fit inside his 2010 Suzuki Swift Sport SZ3.

I honestly have no idea where to even start!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Nelsun]

He wants lifesize knockdown panelled walls that'll fit in his boot? Unless this is for a dollhouse, perhaps backing away slowly would be a good start?

 

[Tasky]

Yup, my first insane customer with insane ideas on what I should be able to knock up with just a bandsaw, ½" chisel and a combi-plane - I've only just got him out the habit of saying "Marine Plywood" every five seconds while telling me about the stunningly gorgeous solid oak writing bureau he wanted me to replicate!!
He's got the money, but not the skills or desire to make stuff - This has seen him through many other endeavours and outright struggles (like changing his wiper blades) but he's fast learning that some things just can't be done with imagination alone.

Besides, he's also a very good friend and knows where I live, so no backing possible... He'd also come back like a yoyo, with something else equally insane.

So before I close him down on the idea and just (effectively) stick panels to his walls like it's always been done, I want to see if there's some kind of compromise available.


The best I could come up with was a row of cabinets or work surfaces for half the height, with uprights supporting some kind of stud frame along the uppers, to which sections of T&G boards were affixed. Could maybe have double width sections of empty space between cabinets that way.
It doesn't have to be proper all-wood construction and I can use metal brackets and anything else to my heart's content, so long as the show face looks like wood panelling and can support some mounted collectors' junk...

 

[thetyreman]

what's the actual question?

 

[Tasky]

what's the actual question?

How, in the name of Robert Wearing, might this be in any way achievable? :lol:

I'm perfectly prepared to tell him where to stick it, if it is indeed as preposterous as it sounds.... I just want to be sure, as well!

 

[NazNomad]

Q: Can you just...?

A: Sorry, it can't be done.

Sorted.

 

[thetyreman]

what's the actual question?

How, in the name of Robert Wearing, might this be in any way achievable? :lol:

I'm perfectly prepared to tell him where to stick it, if it is indeed as preposterous as it sounds.... I just want to be sure, as well!

lol well he doesn't sound too mentally stable, I'd be tempted to give an insanely high price and just say it has to be quartersawn solid oak or you're not doing it, but from what you've already said, sounds like you should just say no and move on.

 

[Mark A]

I can't think of a way to go about panelling a room without some fixings to the structure.
Could the panels be attached to a frame, which is in turn secured to walls/ceiling joists with a minimum amount of screws? At least then most of weight would be transferred down to the floor and the fixings only keep them upright.

 

[HappyHacker]

The questions I would ask are:

Why free standing? Can a simple frame be used which can be screwed to the wall to stop it falling over when he puts things on it.

Why does it have to fit in his car? What happens when he changes the car? It is easy enough to hire a van or trailer to move it when he moves.

 

[Nelsun]

With no fixings to walls (and ceiling I'm guessing) it'll be like living on the Prisoner: Cell Block H set I'd perhaps see if you can get him to wiggle on his requirements e.g. allowing some fixings, being transportable in a van etc. It'd make your job that much easier [read: more likely to ever happen].

 

[ScaredyCat]

Why does it have to fit in his car? What happens when he changes the car? It is easy enough to hire a van or trailer to move it when he moves.

This ^^^, so much this... Is he taking it with him on holiday so it feels like he's at home or something weird?

Button Fix might be a solution.

It actually sounds like he wants a display wall to hang some "manly" stuff on.

Point in the other direction and run away.

 

[AndyT]

It does sound more like a stage scenery sort of problem. AFAIK they often use lightweight frames ("flats") held together by things like large staples fitted loose into holes, held down by weights.

But if he wants to fix things to it, I reckon you would need to build a stouter framework and fix it up to the ceiling joists and down into the floor. (You could use big visible bolts or lag screws which would be easily removed, leaving just a few holes to fill in with some caulk.)

It would be a bit like the panels that sheds are made from, but nicer on the front, and a bit like a partition wall.

Does he realise how much smaller the rooms will be? Or does he want a network of secret passages as well??!!

 

[MusicMan]

Possibly wedge it up to the ceiling with folding wedges?

 

[Tasky]

Why free standing?

It will need to transfer from one property to another at some point and likely one or more after that. Both current properties will be sold at some point, but the walls must also be accessible to plumbers, plasterers, electricians and whoever else, with relative ease and short-ish notice.

Can a simple frame be used which can be screwed to the wall to stop it falling over when he puts things on it.

Well, nothing must *damage* the walls. Not even the wallpaper...
I wondered about something 'press-fit' between floor and ceiling, but ruled that out quite quick. I suppose it could lean against the wall?

Why does it have to fit in his car?

So he can move it himself without calling upon me and mine, or suffering the complexity and expense of renting a Transit van... partly because the houses are only 5 minutes slow walk from each other. Literally, I could shoot arrows through the window of one while standing in the windows of the other.

What happens when he changes the car?

Well, based on previous changes.... I simply make fun of his weird choices, lack of mechnical knowledge, lack of appreciation and open-mindedness to new features (like no option for manual windows in 2010), before leaving him to sleep in the bed he made for himself. I help him when it breaks, but he pays the full price for it.
But unless the Swift breaks, he won't change it.

I'd perhaps see if you can get him to wiggle on his requirements

Oh jeez, believe me, I'm working on that!!!
He's really in love with the idea of being the stubborn old man, stuck in the old ways and knowing better than anyone else...
Male hair loss is supposed to be hereditary, for which I'm quite glad, but at this rate I'll be Yul Brynner before the month is out!

This ^^^, so much this... Is he taking it with him on holiday so it feels like he's at home or something weird?

Wouldn't surprise me....
Nah, he's moving out to do up the existing property for sale, into a place that is still under rental contract lease or something, after which it also becomes his, but must remain pristine so he can then sell it on after a year... I'll be honest, property lease things bore me and I switched off while he talked through it!

It actually sounds like he wants a display wall to hang some "manly" stuff on.

Pretty much... although he's not much of a painter, I know he's highly skilled with broadsword, quarterstaff and musket. He was a student at the same martial arts class as me and I've seen him shoot.
Cannot fault his reasons for the weaponry.

Possibly wedge it up to the ceiling with folding wedges?

Thought of that - Ceiling is too soft, apparently. Thick carpet might be an issue too.

 

[ScaredyCat]

What about somehting like this:

 

[AES]

@Tasky: I've been reading your post with more and more astonishment, mirth, and then disbelief! Thoroughly entertaining, but beginning to believe the bloke really IS mad (or is his name Trump? No, sorry, forget, same thing isn't it).

I haven't got a single clue what to suggest, apart from asking why don't YOU move? (Like asap - like do a moonlight flit)?

I really DO wish you all the best, he's probably highly lovable in at least some ways, but I'm glad he's not my customer (not the same business at all, but I've had a few in my time).

Good luck mate, I think you'll need it.

AES

 

[MusicMan]

Possibly wedge it up to the ceiling with folding wedges?

Thought of that - Ceiling is too soft, apparently. Thick carpet might be an issue too.[/quote]

Hmmm. So the problem is you need some kind of support for the panelling but cannot support it from behind or on top. This leaves the sides and the front. I see only two possibilities

1. (preferred) Put deep free-standing bookcases at intervals along the wall, and suspend the panelling between pairs of those. Nice contract to make the bookcases too . I think you could manage a 2m wide panel between 2x 1m wide (and heavy) bookcases. Or make them display cases for his mansplay stuff.

2. Have some (elegant) diagonal braces coming out of the front, but make them removable so that he need not use them in the final resting place.

Keith

 

[Ttrees]

Kumiko panels is the one thing that might fit the bill :roll:

 

[Bm101]

I'd suggest padded walls as a viable alternative. Tell him you know of a nice place he can try them out 'just for an hour or two. They even supply a nice custom fitted jacket as a free bonus...'
Get him to sign a 'contract'. Gloss over any fine details like 'full empowerment', 'no legal responsibility', 'full control of all assets and estate' as meaningless detail. Tell him you'll drive him over there for a quick looksee this weekend.
Google the nearest asylum for a postcode.
By Sunday you can retire. Jobsagoodun.

 

[AndyT]

If you make a complete square of panelling - ie like four sides of a room - it will stand up on its own.
Whether you fit a door or just wall your friend in, is up to you...