Best quote from an article in the Telegraph, the top 15 quotes from school reports - from a woodwork teacher - "Give him the job and he'll finish the tools" 
Best quotes
- Thread starter Phil Pascoe
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graduate_owner
Established Member
I was at an auction a few years ago, it was towards the end of the sale and the auctioneer was encouraging people to bid, trying to move things along to get finished. The auctioneer's comment was:-
Come on gents, the sooner you get home the sooner you'll get your hands up.
To this day I don't know if he meant to say it this way round.
K
Come on gents, the sooner you get home the sooner you'll get your hands up.
To this day I don't know if he meant to say it this way round.
K
Doug B
Shy Tot
When it comes to quotes Steven Wright always comes up with the goods, heres 35 classics.
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Cheers.
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Cheers.
RogerS
Established Member
To paraphrase Blaise Pascal....
"If I say there is a God and there is not then that's no big deal. But if I say that there is no God and there is then I'm in deep doo-doo"
"If I say there is a God and there is not then that's no big deal. But if I say that there is no God and there is then I'm in deep doo-doo"
I also liked the comment in a reference - "you'll be very lucky if you get this man to work for you"
moppetsdad
Established Member
A chap where I used to work called one of the others the village silly person His reply was
" I don't come from a village so there" He was right he came from a town needless to say the other half of the statement was correct.
" I don't come from a village so there" He was right he came from a town needless to say the other half of the statement was correct.
A guy I used to work with was told he looked like Galen from Planet of The Apes, said he was lucky he looked like someone famous.
DIY Stew
Established Member
When I hired a van the lady in office checked the hire agreement which had my work place on it, she said, " you must know Stevie B......las, he used to work here", I replied "I don't believe you", at which point everyone in the office looked up at me, I quickly added, " the Stevie B......las I know has never worked a day in his life"
Stew
Stew
Robbo3
Established Member
Fauna
Is a chicken crossing the road poultry in motion?
Is a hen faster than a speeding pullet?
The rooster makes the noise, but the hen delivers the goods.
If you push a pig down a hill does it becomes a sausage roll?
Why is it that the first thing we do after killing a pig is to cure it?
Could a small pig be called a 'hamlet'?
Do sheep know when someone's pulling the wool over their eyes?
Technology
You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs thirty tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1-1/2 tons. (Popular Mechanics, 1949)
Other
Does expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
Doing what you like is freedom; liking what you do is happiness.
Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
--------
Robbo
Is a chicken crossing the road poultry in motion?
Is a hen faster than a speeding pullet?
The rooster makes the noise, but the hen delivers the goods.
If you push a pig down a hill does it becomes a sausage roll?
Why is it that the first thing we do after killing a pig is to cure it?
Could a small pig be called a 'hamlet'?
Do sheep know when someone's pulling the wool over their eyes?
Technology
You can't teach an old mouse new clicks.
AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs thirty tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1-1/2 tons. (Popular Mechanics, 1949)
Other
Does expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?
Doing what you like is freedom; liking what you do is happiness.
Have you noticed that since everyone has a camcorder no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
--------
Robbo
