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By Cordy
#1237848
Bob, I'm sorry and riddled with guilt and have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife when you are not around - probably more than you.

I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again


Feeling outraged and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun; goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later gets a second text.

'Really should use spell check..... That should read WiFi'
Last edited by Cordy on 22 Aug 2018, 20:29, edited 1 time in total.
By phil.p
#1237862
I have a friend whose son in law has the same surname - my friend's brother is married to his son in law's sister. Imagine the fun deciding what relation anyone is to whom there. :? :D (and my friend, his father, and his son have the same forename.)
User avatar
By Robbo3
#1237892
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel..."
User avatar
By Cordy
#1240351
The managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trecking across the Antartic.

Paramedics say he could have done with another coat.
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By Robbo3
#1240392
Only in North America

Only in North America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in North America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in North America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in North America...
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in North America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in North America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in North America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in North America...
do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
User avatar
By Robbo3
#1240393
Schnauzer

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
User avatar
By finneyb
#1241343
Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS........
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
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THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
By AES
#1241344
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that HURT!

But I still laughed. Sad aren't I?
User avatar
By Bm101
#1241624
You know. We all like a joke but sometimes it's important to remember that what is funny for us might offend someone else and so I take this small opportunity to remind us all to be wary of offending others with a joke.
I'm all for a joke generally but learnt to my cost today day how a little sensitivity could help.
I don't want to put a downer on anyone. So, apologies for bringing the mood down but maybe it needs saying in case anyones feelings get hurt and thought I should share.

I was out with some friends this afternoon having a drink. Their other friends were there who I met for the first time. Trying to break the ice I started to tell a joke or two. Most went well and when people laughed maybe I got carried away and let my guard down?
Either way I slipped a joke in that maybe I should have avoided. My fault I got carried away.
The joke was 'What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?'

'Throw your washing in.'

Well God, anyway this one fella pretty much roars and outright attacks me! I manage to hold him off thank goodness and when everything calms down I get the chance to talk to this guy and I say why so angry?! Jesus! I apologise I'm SO sorry I offended you! :oops:

It turns out his younger brother who tragically died was epileptic and tragically died while fitting in the bath.
I had no idea what to say to be honest.
What can you really say? It's heartbreaking!
'I'm so sorry' I say.
'Did he drown?'
'No. He chocked on a sock.'
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By Robbo3
#1241664
Jesus Knows

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
User avatar
By whiskywill
#1242180
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"