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Lord Nibbo

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UK Workshop Presents goings on in the wood shed

Screenplay written By Lord Nibbo

Adapted for the internet, originally idea from the book “The Gardener” by Tom Mato adapted from the book “The bugs in my wood pile” by Ivan Elavanitch, also adapted originally from the book “Camomile lawn” by Moses Lawn.

I must thank the following which helped greatly to this old english farce,

Primitive Transport by Orson Cart

The Debtor by Owen Munny


Any likeness to characters named here are coincidental any law suits should be addressed to Fleece Grabbit & Run Solicitors Ltd.

Scene 1

Somewhere in Darkest England, Last Tuesday Night at 7.36pm


It’s raining outside the shed as Charlie helped by Alice pull on the ropes to open the curtains. The lights all dim and a hush of excitement creeps across the shed, no one has seen excitement like this, not even two years ago at Axminster when the last show was put on ice were there so many people all open mouthed utterly speechless.

From a dark corner a shadow appears, it’s Philly Phantom the tool wizard, a spot light hits him as he lifts a large golden coloured crown and places it on the head of King Wenslascrit as Tony entering the stage gives him his almanac of worldly piccies of machines of many moons long since gone. King Wenlsascrit stands and walks across the stage to look out of the window and say out aloud “Tomorrow we shall all venture forth and seek the where abouts of the Devon woody man who was last seen upside down hanging in a eucalyptus tree”

Alice runs on stage dragging her camping bag crammed full of musthaves, “Whats in those bags?” shouts Roger the Sindenbad from the back of the shed. Another voice shouts they are my Noel presents. King Wenslascrit grabs the bag and turning to the audience shouts “Anyone who can tell me whats in this here bag can have a day off tomorrow” Mighty Mike Wasawing stands forward and looking at King Wenslascrit declares “Three dovetail saws, Two Turtle Doves and a Partridge in a pear tree” King Wenslascrit opens the bag and looking inside shouts “Nope you missed out five Gills a dancing and the two Midnight wanderers Waka & Wiser who are more than often seen frequenting the bar in Axminster and who sometimes get lost in the lovely Devon Woodies where they plant Beans and sometimes have been seen trying out those Magic Mushrooms secretly hidden in the clefts of trees by Steve the Masked Marauder of Maskery who hides them using his magic gadget stick.

As the lights start to brighten King Wenslascrit lead his happy band across the stage who all sing together with the audience “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off to work we go etc etc etc ……….

Scene two

The treck to the Rutlands in Search of the Devon Woody Man
ritten by ?
 
Well I hope "written by?" was an open invitation, 'cos I had time to think during a haircut...

Scene two

The treck to the Rutlands in Search of the Devon Woody Man

"Hi ho..."
"..hi ho.."
"It's off to rout we go"
"Rout?"
"Could be worse, could have said dado..." muttered Wizer
"Yeah, rout. Wanna make something of it?"
"Well I don't, but what about... you know... IT?"
"IT?"

King Wenslascrit's Happy Band (Philly Phantom the tool wizard on guitar, Hi Ho Sliver on drums etc) paused and looked round anxiously . The Rutlands, deeply grooved and littered with back orders, was not a place for the unwary to linger. It suddenly looked rather dark and, frankly scary...

"I'm not afraid" Mighty Mike Wasawing stoutly, if ill-advisedly, declared. I have my Saw of Truth, Justice and The Oregon Way that glows in the presence of," he paused and looked round cautiously before finishing at a whisper "IT"
"I am" cowered the (apparently) camp Alice.
Tony nudged her in the ribs and hissed "Not camp - camping"
"Oh, I see. That's a relief 'cos walking like this was giving me backache... Not to mention carrying Three Dovetail Saws, Two Turtle Doves, a Partridge in a pear tree, Five Gills a dancing and the Two Midnight wanderers Waka & Wizer. In fact you lot can jolly well get out and carry yourselves. Honestly..."
"The Partridge has done a Bad Thing on my ballgown" shrieked one of the Gills.
"That's nothing," said Waka morosely, "Retired at last and the Turtle Doves have eaten my pension book"
"Anyone got a shovel so we can put this pear tree somewhere?" asked another Gill, "Although I'm not sure this skirt is quite the right outfit for digging."
"I'll carry the Three Dovetail Saws" offered Philly Phantom.
"You'll have to break my arms first" returned the not-camp Alice.
"Well if that's what it takes..."
"Will you lot shut up?" asked Roger the Sindenbad tetchily, shifting his grip on His Amazing Sack of Off Topic Threads. "I thought I heard something"

King Wenslascrit removed the ear defenders he'd been wearing, as per HSE instructions when listening to The Happy Band, and craned to listen. In the distance they heard a low murmuring noise. It started to get louder. The ground started to shake, as if to the fall of a foot. The murmur became a mutter. A low constant, never-ending noise. Louder and louder.

The Happy Band stopped playing.

"Router? Router?! Fee fi foe fum, I hear a mention of a router this way come."
"Could have been worse, could have mentioned a honing guide," remarked Wizer.
"Well it might be Wizer by name..." muttered Waka.
"HONING GUIDE?!" thundered the approaching thing.
"Is this it?" asked one of the Gills.
"No," said Mighty Mike Wasawing, pointing. "That's IT. And I'm right out of pizza to distract it. Run!"

And round the corner came thundering a fearsome beast. Half man, half spindle moulder, draped in sash windows and traditional joinery - grimus grimus, colloquially known as

"Mr Grimsdale!" they all shouted. And they ran for it.

Scene three

Where King Wenslascrit's and His Happy Band (available for weddings, discos and Barmitzvahs, reasonable rates) could be Saved From A Tribe of Spamalots by a Mysterious Neil and meet a Roundy Spinny Person who shows them where to find a Woody Man

Any offers?
 
Scene three

With a leap and a bound and a flurry of pico-inch wood shavings, they turned tail and ran for their lives.

"Quick..we can all hide in here" said Byron Blackheart. "My new workshop is strong enough to withstand the Mighty Grimsdale".

"That's a good idea" said Tim. "Then we can block up the windows with these spare undersized panels I've got".

They all squeezed into the workshop and started to block up the windows. They could hear the Mighty Grimsdale huffing and puffing as he roared towards them along the T-track.

"How on earth are we going to fix these panels" said JayEffSee, tilting his nautical hat back so that he could peer out from under the brim. "I'm used to making mallets but we need something a bit stronger".

"Ha ha" cried Niki "I've got an idea. Give me all your metal. I've got a large reel of sticky-tape and I reckon I can bind it all together to make a hammer."

So our gallant band divested themselves of all their metal. Philly Phantom pleaded "Can't I keep my mighty Excalibur? I can use it to protect us".

"No..no" they cried. "We will need all the metal. Even King Wenslayscrit's crown made from recycled Wadkins is needed".

The pile of holy metal gradually grew until a huge pile of cast-iron and bronze gleamed dully in the middle of Byron's workshop.


...to be continued
 
Great read Alf and Roger, you got straight into the festive idea :lol: I wonder were we're going to end up :roll: :lol: Come on someone we need Scene Four or should that be 3.1 version Microsoft upgrade 7.3 edition 9 :lol:
 
Now this is a great thread! Thanks for making my morning...much better than wars on sharpening, flattening, cambering, jigging and ???

Take care, Mike
who marvels at the creativity!
 
Roger Sinden wrote:
The pile of holy metal gradually grew until a huge pile of cast-iron and bronze gleamed dully in the middle of Byron's workshop

...the treasure of Smaug...be there dragon asleep on the top? :-k 8-[ 8-[ - awaiting the next installment - Rob
 
Five Gills a dancing
It just goes to prove that at Christmas you can't have too much of a good thing
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