Need to escape/reset

[Jameshow]

Might seem crazy but how about getting a few mates of hers to help her along with a few builders bags for rubbish and a van to take wanted stuff to storage, and blitzing it in a w/e? The moral support of Freinds might just help her get through it, otherwise you risk being evicted / made redundant?

That's my thinking....

 

[Bingy man]

A lot of good in fact excellent advice in the last few posts, why not as per @Jameshow says make it a event and pick a nice day (or try to ) and do a barbecue and everyone gets cracking , make it a fun day and not one full of dread and drama.. once it’s done hopefully ahead of the deadline then let them know that they can complete their inspection, add a couple of fire extinguishers/and smoke alarms to the garage to prove that you take safety precautions seriously.. good luck

 

[Yorkieguy]

Thanks guys, things are kind of static at the minute, V is trying to make sure she has enough dog/house sitting work booked in to make the car payments but that means she is out far more than she is home so nothing is getting sorted, as I've said previously, 90% of the stuff that needs clearing belongs to her and if I even think about going through any of it without her it will cause WW3 so I'm just pottering in the house trying to do what little I can but have to admit with only 8 weeks left to the deadline I'm not feeling very considered at the minute.
Work is what it is, I'm not happy there but until I can afford to move I need to just crack on and do what I have to do to keep them happy.

Stig, at the outset you wrote:

Quote:

"I live with a hoarder that refuses to throw stuff out because of trauma in her teens, we have 3 bedrooms and they're all full to overflowing, the hallway is stacked so I have to walk sideways to get to the toilet, I sleep on the sofa because the living room, although also full of carp, is the clearest room we have. The kitchen is a constant game of tetris having to move stuff to get to the cooker, then again to get to the sink the fridge or the washing machine. The garage is so full I barely fit my workshop and motorcycle in there".

Unquote.

I'm not a doctor, but that statement is as clear an indication as is possible that your partner has mental health issues, namely, 'hoarder disorder' about which you and she ought to see your GP together at the earliest opportunity.

Symptoms of 'hoarder disorder' include:

Feel the need to get more things, even if you have a lot already
Have very strong positive feelings whenever you get more things
Feel very upset or anxious at the thought of throwing or giving things away because of your emotional attachment to them
Find it very hard to decide what to keep or get rid of
Find it hard to organise your things
Have so many things that you can't use parts of the place you live in – like not sleeping on the bed or using the sink
Have lots of disagreements with the people close to you about your things
Find it hard to pack for trips away, like a holiday – you might pack many more things than you really need, because you can't decide what's important.

This link to 'MIND', the Mental Health Support Group might help:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information...dQ_2qRaWAv0DIT2jmNhvy9x71mtWNzuBoC0uYQAvD_BwE

When you say you have 'eight weeks left', eight weeks has already elapsed. The letter you received was unambiguous, and in my view, not officious or threatening, showing some understanding of the predicament that you've got yourselves into. It was dated 4 April, and mentioned 'three months' but stated by 31 July, which was nearer four months, outlining the progress they expect you to have made by then.

As things stand, 'V' should be working with you to achieve the desired objective, but is filling her time on other activities. As things stand, the two of you have sufficient time to do what is expected on you in the required time scale. If you fail to do that, the 'direction of travel' has been clearly spelt out. Simply putting the stuff in store somewhere else isn't the solution - it's a continuation of the hoarding problem. Without 'V' coming to terms with the issues, acknowledging she has a problem, and both of you seeking help from your GP, the 31 July deadline will loom, and will cause further distress.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, unsympathetic and judgemental, but I doubt I'm saying anything which is at odds with your own thoughts about your predicament. You are a valued and active member of this forum, as is evident from all the posts in this thread. You've done really well in reducing your 'footprint' on school premises at a very stressful and uncertain time for you.

Every good wish in resolving these not insurmountable difficulties.


David.

 

[Bingy man]

Stig, at the outset you wrote:

Quote:

"I live with a hoarder that refuses to throw stuff out because of trauma in her teens, we have 3 bedrooms and they're all full to overflowing, the hallway is stacked so I have to walk sideways to get to the toilet, I sleep on the sofa because the living room, although also full of carp, is the clearest room we have. The kitchen is a constant game of tetris having to move stuff to get to the cooker, then again to get to the sink the fridge or the washing machine. The garage is so full I barely fit my workshop and motorcycle in there".

Unquote.

I'm not a doctor, but that statement is as clear an indication as is possible that your partner has mental health issues, namely, 'hoarder disorder' about which you and she ought to see your GP together at the earliest opportunity.

Symptoms of 'hoarder disorder' include:

Feel the need to get more things, even if you have a lot already
Have very strong positive feelings whenever you get more things
Feel very upset or anxious at the thought of throwing or giving things away because of your emotional attachment to them
Find it very hard to decide what to keep or get rid of
Find it hard to organise your things
Have so many things that you can't use parts of the place you live in – like not sleeping on the bed or using the sink
Have lots of disagreements with the people close to you about your things
Find it hard to pack for trips away, like a holiday – you might pack many more things than you really need, because you can't decide what's important.

This link to 'MIND', the Mental Health Support Group might help:

https://www.mind.org.uk/information...dQ_2qRaWAv0DIT2jmNhvy9x71mtWNzuBoC0uYQAvD_BwE

When you say you have 'eight weeks left', eight weeks has already elapsed. The letter you received was unambiguous, and in my view, not officious or threatening, showing some understanding of the predicament that you've got yourselves into. It was dated 4 April, and mentioned 'three months' but stated by 31 July, which was nearer four months, outlining the progress they expect you to have made by then.

As things stand, 'V' should be working with you to achieve the desired objective, but is filling her time on other activities. As things stand, the two of you have sufficient time to do what is expected on you in the required time scale. If you fail to do that, the 'direction of travel' has been clearly spelt out. Simply putting the stuff in store somewhere else isn't the solution - it's a continuation of the hoarding problem. Without 'V' coming to terms with the issues, acknowledging she has a problem, and both of you seeking help from your GP, the 31 July deadline will loom, and will cause further distress.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, unsympathetic and judgemental, but I doubt I'm saying anything which is at odds with your own thoughts about your predicament. You are a valued and active member of this forum, as is evident from all the posts in this thread. You've done really well in reducing your 'footprint' on school premises at a very stressful and uncertain time for you.

Every good wish in resolving these not insurmountable difficulties.


David.

Nothing you have said here is out of place or arrogant etc but a lot of what you have said has been said by others including professional in mental health conditions. My concern with the last few of @Stigmorgan posts were similar to some of your comments in that the initial positive start of clearing part of the house seems to have drifted away and been replaced by another distraction ( needing to work ) to cover car payments but you can’t run a business from your car whilst homeless and jobless . The stress of this alone is more than enough for either stig or v to crack not to dissimilar to my own situation a few years back . But and this is a huge but ! Before you can ask for help from healthcare professionals and doctors and councillors is YOU have to admit that there is a problem and throughout these pages I’ve not heard this. If you try to force anyone to go to a doctor and admit they have a problem then it’s pointless as the patient (v) won’t tell the doctor ghe full story and doesn’t matter how good a doctor is he’s not a mind reader . Suggestions of storage is not addressing the underlying health problems but it’s about buying time to secure @Stigmorgans job and their family home . She may have to hit crisis point to see this but can lead to a fight or flight situation either of which can end badly. Tbh that’s the post I and I dare say many other contributors to this thread are also hoping and praying for … when I hit that fight of flight point I fortunately phoned a colleague who came to me and took me for a coffee or 4 and gave me some really good advice which I fortunately took . It was not easy and it took well over a year for me to accept everything I’d been through .
So again all we can do is advise- the actual process of getting professional help comes down to V and of course stig but it’s V who has to make that appointment to start the ball rolling and then to follow through with all the advice/ mediation etc that is offered..

 

[Yorkieguy]

Nothing you have said here is out of place or arrogant etc but a lot of what you have said has been said by others including professional in mental health conditions. My concern with the last few of @Stigmorgan posts were similar to some of your comments in that the initial positive start of clearing part of the house seems to have drifted away and been replaced by another distraction ( needing to work ) to cover car payments but you can’t run a business from your car whilst homeless and jobless . The stress of this alone is more than enough for either stig or v to crack not to dissimilar to my own situation a few years back . But and this is a huge but ! Before you can ask for help from healthcare professionals and doctors and councillors is YOU have to admit that there is a problem and throughout these pages I’ve not heard this. If you try to force anyone to go to a doctor and admit they have a problem then it’s pointless as the patient (v) won’t tell the doctor ghe full story and doesn’t matter how good a doctor is he’s not a mind reader . Suggestions of storage is not addressing the underlying health problems but it’s about buying time to secure @Stigmorgans job and their family home . She may have to hit crisis point to see this but can lead to a fight or flight situation either of which can end badly. Tbh that’s the post I and I dare say many other contributors to this thread are also hoping and praying for … when I hit that fight of flight point I fortunately phoned a colleague who came to me and took me for a coffee or 4 and gave me some really good advice which I fortunately took . It was not easy and it took well over a year for me to accept everything I’d been through .
So again all we can do is advise- the actual process of getting professional help comes down to V and of course stig but it’s V who has to make that appointment to start the ball rolling and then to follow through with all the advice/ mediation etc that is offered..

Thanks for reading my post and for your response Bingy Man, which I concur with.

I've been reading the thread from the outset, but until yesterday, didn't comment, because as you rightly say, my comments are a reiteration of what's been said many times over the last three months in more than 180 posts to the thread.

I felt compelled to say something because Stig's job, home, mental health, happiness, relationship at home and with his employer are all at stake, and whilst there has been considerable progress on Stig's part, it clearly hasn't been sufficient to meet the required deadline. He's doing his best to resolve difficulties which are not of his making, but which he's tolerated to 'keep the peace'.

The 'amber light' is flashing brightly, and it was comments such as the snippets below, which indicate that by one means or another 'V' needs to be part of the solution before matters are taken out of their hands and progress inexorably to a conclusion outlined in the last para of the letter or 8 April. Still a few weeks to pull things back, but I've no doubt that Stig knows this already:

15 April: "SWMBO has had the weekend to recover from her week in Spain sat at the beach or by the swimming pool".

22 May: "We intend to clear the rooms as soon as she gets back from her trip to Bosnia with the dog charity"

5 June: "Thanks guys, things are kind of static at the minute, V is trying to make sure she has enough dog/house sitting work booked in to make the car payments but that means she is out far more than she is home so nothing is getting sorted".

We're all rooting for Stig and I sincerely hope that if professional help is sought, things take a turn for the better, both on the home front and the work front.

 

[Stigmorgan]

Thanks guys, you're all amazing, I won't respond to everything as it's a lot but I will say, in regard to the letter from work, the date on the letter is wrong because they used the letter informing us of the intended inspection as a template for the deadline letter and didn't change the date.
It's currently 11.26 and V is still in bed and rather than get up just messaged asking if I want to go do something today, this just infuriates me because she knows what I want/need, I've still got loads to make and get ready for Blackbushe air day next saturday, I've been applying for every show I can find and working on making as much stock as I can so that I can hopefully make extra money so she doesn't have to worry so much, when I think of the stuff I've had to do and put myself through just to earn a wage and keep a roof over her head it makes me feel like the whole relationship has been all give from me and take from her.

 

[Bingy man]

Thanks for reading my post and for your response Bingy Man, which I concur with.

I've been reading the thread from the outset, but until yesterday, didn't comment, because as you rightly say, my comments are a reiteration of what's been said many times over the last three months in more than 180 posts to the thread.

I felt compelled to say something because Stig's job, home, mental health, happiness, relationship at home and with his employer are all at stake, and whilst there has been considerable progress on Stig's part, it clearly hasn't been sufficient to meet the required deadline. He's doing his best to resolve difficulties which are not of his making, but which he's tolerated to 'keep the peace'.

The 'amber light' is flashing brightly, and it was comments such as the snippets below, which indicate that by one means or another 'V' needs to be part of the solution before matters are taken out of their hands and progress inexorably to a conclusion outlined in the last para of the letter or 8 April. Still a few weeks to pull things back, but I've no doubt that Stig knows this already:

15 April: "SWMBO has had the weekend to recover from her week in Spain sat at the beach or by the swimming pool".

22 May: "We intend to clear the rooms as soon as she gets back from her trip to Bosnia with the dog charity"

5 June: "Thanks guys, things are kind of static at the minute, V is trying to make sure she has enough dog/house sitting work booked in to make the car payments but that means she is out far more than she is home so nothing is getting sorted".

We're all rooting for Stig and I sincerely hope that if professional help is sought, things take a turn for the better, both on the home front and the work front.

I agree with your post and your comments and sincerely hope it all works out in a positive outcome for both of them but when my x had post Natal depression, then full on depression she would not hear it from me in anyway. At times she was verbally aggressive other times physically aggressive so for my sons sake I had to let it go . It was the beginning of the end of our relationship but again she would not hear of it . My problem was it was also the beginning of my mental health issues and that it would slowly fester into a horrible depression and stress and anxiety-it would be several years later when that crock of sh te would surface. @Stigmorgan recognised this as you say several weeks ago and started this thread-and I’m personally glad he did . But it’s an extremely difficult situation for him and v as simply mentioning it could start a chain reaction of negative behaviour or a complete head in the sand moment. The problem is that v may not be in a position to realise the full extent or impact of her actions or lack of . If they can’t do it as a team then I’m suggesting that stig should just go ahead and sort it . Again hence mine and other’s suggestion of temporary storage- then it’s a simple statement of your stuff is here ,I’ve paid for 2 months storage after that it’s up to you . Not an easy decision either way but you need to protect your home and job until you are in a position to change both ..

 

[Stigmorgan]

Soooo I got fed up and decided to take my own (free) approach to sorting temporary storage while V was in bed doom scrolling through Instagram/Facebook, I got her big 5 berth tent out of th garage and set it up in the garden, then started moving the contents of one room into the tent, once she got up we did start going through some of the bags of clothing and filled 2 bin liners to throw out and 3 to donate and took them to a local clothes bin. It's barely dented the volume of stuff but it's a start

 

[Fred48]

Soooo I got fed up and decided to take my own (free) approach to sorting temporary storage while V was in bed doom scrolling through Instagram/Facebook, I got her big 5 berth tent out of th garage and set it up in the garden, then started moving the contents of one room into the tent, once she got up we did start going through some of the bags of clothing and filled 2 bin liners to throw out and 3 to donate and took them to a local clothes bin. It's barely dented the volume of stuff but it's a start

Well done @Stigmorgan
Fred

 

[Yorkieguy]

Really well done Stig. So sorry it’s all falling on your shoulders, but you’ve turned a corner, and in less than a day made amazing progress.

 

[Fred48]

Really well done Stig. So sorry it’s all falling on your shoulders, but you’ve turned a corner, and in less than a day made amazing progress.

100% agree
Fred

 

[Stigmorgan]

Thanks guys, it's a good start and hopefully V will get up soon and do some more before heading off for a weeks dog/house sitting job.
Another reason I need things sorting through is so that I can find my copy of my contract so I can remind myself of what the exact wording is on it.

 

[BucksDad]

I will offer a contrarian viewpoint. The letter from the school is standard stuff for tenancy and inspection - it’s not really unreasonable.

Also 5 bin bags in a day is some but not great progress. Personally I would just arrange for one of those man and a van house clearance people to come. They will have it all done in a day. Book it for 2 weeks from now and tell your partner that’s the deadline

 

[Fred48]

I will offer a contrarian viewpoint. The letter from the school is standard stuff for tenancy and inspection - it’s not really unreasonable.

Also 5 bin bags in a day is some but not great progress. Personally I would just arrange for one of those man and a van house clearance people to come. They will have it all done in a day. Book it for 2 weeks from now and tell your partner that’s the deadline

Totally agree

 

[Terry - Somerset]

I am mindful that for you personally there is a difficult balance to be struck between firmly taking control and maintaining relationships - but you may find the following thoughts helpful:

We had young children 30+ years ago who would cover the floor with toys. I used the black bag solution - if they made no effort to tidy up, toys would go via the black bag to the dustbin. I did make an exception for those I knew were important to them. They missed very little and quickly learned I meant what I said - things improved.

My current approach to clutter (my wife regards them as valued memories of earlier times!) is to identify items not used in last two years, unlikely to be used in the next two - then:

• consider exception for things used infrequently - eg: tools, some kitchen kit
• if cheap and easy to replace if later required - dump
• if no financial value - dump
• if financial value - sell or charity shop

Some may have watched "Salvage Hunters" on TV. When searching storage areas he prioritises the back of the shed/room as the oldest items (and often most valuable) were probably put there first.

If you don't know what is in bags and piles which have been undisturbed for 2+ years simply get rid of them. You cannot miss that about which you have totally forgotten. If your clutter has been stored in this way simply cart off the items at the back. Could be quick win.

 

[Stigmorgan]

I will offer a contrarian viewpoint. The letter from the school is standard stuff for tenancy and inspection - it’s not really unreasonable.

Also 5 bin bags in a day is some but not great progress. Personally I would just arrange for one of those man and a van house clearance people to come. They will have it all done in a day. Book it for 2 weeks from now and tell your partner that’s the deadline

This would be a very cruel way to end my relationship, as long as I can see a hope for us as a team, going that route is not an option.
Today we sorted through a lot more and condensed several battered and collapsing cardboard boxes into stackable plastic storage boxes, we have now filled one of the schools big dumpster bins, we are now halfway through one room and I am proud of V today, it was hard for her going through her mums stuff, she has spent half the day in tears from missing her mum and being in pain (she has a pain condition that causes severe back pain which was exacerbated by some cancer surgery a couple of years ago)

 

[BucksDad]

Fair enough - sounds like today was a good one!

 

[Bingy man]

This would be a very cruel way to end my relationship, as long as I can see a hope for us as a team, going that route is not an option.
Today we sorted through a lot more and condensed several battered and collapsing cardboard boxes into stackable plastic storage boxes, we have now filled one of the schools big dumpster bins, we are now halfway through one room and I am proud of V today, it was hard for her going through her mums stuff, she has spent half the day in tears from missing her mum and being in pain (she has a pain condition that causes severe back pain which was exacerbated by some cancer surgery a couple of years ago)

That’s part of the problem- a lot of this stuff will hold personal memories and this all adds to the pain . It’s probably why it all got out there in the first place as once it’s in the room and the door closed it’s didnt have to be dealt with. Half a room is good progress under the circumstances. Just reassure v that they are material items. She will not forget her mom just because you dispose of some or most of these items. Maybe a good time for a memory chest where she can keep her most treasured items and keepsakes. At least you are both making progress but you must keep it up .

 

[Derek Cohen (Perth Oz)]

Stig, I have been keeping up with the situation, but said my piece (twice) early on. My advice has not changed, but does not appear to have been accepted. Please keep in mind that I am a professional in this area. So here it is again: stop treating the symptom (the mess) and instead treat the patient (V). Contact your GP for a referral to either a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist.

Regards from Perth

Derek

 

[Yorkieguy]

Stig, I have been keeping up with the situation, but said my piece (twice) early on. My advice has not changed, but does not appear to have been accepted. Please keep in mind that I am a professional in this area. So here it is again: stop treating the symptom (the mess) and instead treat the patient (V). Contact your GP for a referral to either a psychiatrist or a clinical psychologist.

Regards from Perth

Derek

(Almost four months ago - 20 Feb & 4 March).