More Irish jokes

[Lons]

All in good humour of course, This was sent to me by my VERY IRISH golf pro mate.

The oldies are the best!

Bob



Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

 

[gregmcateer]

Excellent!

Another Irish joke - Their scrum - Haha!

 

[DonJohnson]

Paddy and Mike went fishing in a hired boat. Where they anchored off the shore proved to be a super choice as they caught loads of fish.

So Paddy suggests to Mike that they should return to this spot the next time they came fishing, but wondered how they could be sure of coming to the same place.

Mike suggested putting a cross on the side of the boat.

Paddy turned on Mike, telling him that was a stupid idea, and was the sort of suggestion that gave the Irish the reputation of being daft - since they might not get the same boat!

 

[Phil Pascoe]

The old ones aren't neccessarily the best!

 

[RogerM]

When builders were renovating Muckross House at Kilarney they pulled down an oak panel, and behind it was the skeleton of a man in a green suit. On his lapel was a badge which read ...... "1852 - All Ireland hide-and-seek champion"

 

[newt]

All in good humour of course, This was sent to me by my VERY IRISH golf pro mate.

The oldies are the best!

Bob



Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

I made the mistake of printing this off and reading it out to the family during dinner, what a mess, so so funny. =D>

 

[RogerM]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[Russ]

Two Irish couples decide to spice up their sex lives by swapping partners.

Afterwards, Paddy says, "That was great! I wonder how the girls got on."

 

[Russ]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

An Irish Burglar

 

[SammyQ]

Of deep significance is the number of silent, dignified, Irishmen reading the above - and letting it pass them by, thinking only: "Dhéanann soitheach folamh an torann is mó a."

The Celt called Sam, married to another, Irish, Celt.

 

[Lons]

Of deep significance is the number of silent, dignified, Irishmen reading the above - and letting it pass them by, thinking only: "Dhéanann soitheach folamh an torann is mó a."

The Celt called Sam, married to another, Irish, Celt.

Hear Hear Sammy :lol: :lol:
I agree with everything you said. (What does it mean BTW?) :?

I have several Irish mates and they are the first to make the jokes. Some of the nicest, most genuine people I have the pleasure to know and call friends.

Bob

 

[RogerM]

I am actually 1/4 Irish! I believe the same jokes are told by Irishmen of Kerrymen, and in the RAF the pilots tell the jokes about navigators or those in "the regiment" - it's what makes the world go round.

 

[Lons]

"Dhéanann soitheach folamh an torann is mó a."

Just googled it :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Some years ago I had a paperback of racist jokes and I remember reading in the intro. that the authors had found that virtually all jokes recurred elsewhere with different victims - in Toronto the Italians were stupid, Chicago Poles, Sydney Greeks and so on.

 

[Teckel]

Some years ago I had a paperback of racist jokes and I remember reading in the intro. that the authors had found that virtually all jokes recurred elsewhere with different victims - in Toronto the Italians were stupid, Chicago Poles, Sydney Greeks and so on.

So who calls us stupid??

 

[SammyQ]

Right. I just thought the "Oirish" jokes had been out too frequently lately. I thought I would snarl (genteely) just a little.

Lons, I hear you Fella; and indeed, two or more Celts together do 'get stuck into' each other - what outsiders call 'the craic' (WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GET THAT SPELLING FROM?) or, more contemporaneously, "bant". But, I put it to you most respectfully, they are slagging off their own, not having it served up from outside The Pale (historical reference, loaded with significance to all Dubliners...).

Yes Lads, I was an instructor for CCF cadets for 27 years and "Yes" I saw each service have its own in-house, service-specific, mocking barbed humour. Yes, it served the same purpose as Irish jokes among the Irish - consolidation of members belonging.

I'm sorry if I came across as a rabid patriot in the Pádraig Pearse mould (Hell's teeth, I'm a Northern Prod!), but, to re-iterate, I felt that all of us on this verdant, satelite portion of Europe were being got at just a little too often....so I decided to stand up and protest...in retrospect, methinks possibly too acutely, with too much self-imposed self regard. Blame the heat, male menopause or encroaching dotehood. Mea culpa.

Sam, ever so humbly.

 

[Lons]

Sam, ever so humbly.

Don't appologise or be humble Sammy - stand up for what you believe in!

My Mother was Austrian, met my father at the end of the 2nd world war during the occupation, married and came to England where because of her "German" accent had a very hard time living in a small village which had lost many of its sons during the fighting. Certainly the abuse wasn't said jokingly.
She lived to the age of 85, had a wicked sense of humour and was much loved in the comunity by that time. There were around 100 people at her funeral.

She was never backwards in expressing her point of view (albeit in a charming manner) and I think was respected for it.

cheers

Bob

 

[Noel]

Of deep significance is the number of silent, dignified, Irishmen reading the above - and letting it pass them by, thinking only: "Dhéanann soitheach folamh an torann is mó a."

The Celt called Sam, married to another, Irish, Celt.

You do realise Sammy that the last Irish joke discussion here resulted in casualties and voluntary exile........

The good news is that you don't seem be, what we refer to up here as, a "Belfast Sammy".

Dhéanann soitheach folamh an torann is mó a

Is that Scots Irish? (any chance of a grant?)

 

[studders]

It's a funny ol' game isn't it. Not sure if I've mentioned this before, in a previous 'debate'?
I was once called a Racist because I'd told a Joke about an Indian bloke and his friend. It wasn't an offensive joke or even that rude but the mere fact that it involved above said seemed to be enough to justify the accusation.
Some time later I heard the same woman laughing at an Irish joke, I was puzzled, and rather peeved. So I re-told the earlier joke but this time I began... 'There was these Irish fellas, O'Singh and O'Patel...... '
I'm not sure if she got my point or not, as she stormed out of the room. Ah well.

 

[SammyQ]

Noel! Long time no hear from! Is the Roe low with all this dry weather? Betcha Crindle wicket is rock hard!

No, I didn't intend it to be Scottish Gaelic, I thought it was more Kilkenny :? but my missus had her last formal Irish lesson with 'de nuns' in Mountmellick over forty years ago, so maybe we got things a little too formal for the Donegal Gaeltacht?

My family roots are just round the Lough shore from you in Scotchtown, Bellarena and Tircriven and I had two Grandparents fluent in so-called 'Ulster Scots', so I'd probably be more confident in describing some 'gleekit wee shilpit' or saying 'Ai mane him jist a wean, runnin aboot wi' the claes hingin' off him'

I am going to have to call me Da to find out what a 'Bellshaft Sammy' is.... 8-[

Sam