Joke Thread 4

[Alex H]

 

[Alex H]

 

[Cordy]

Breaking news:
Police chasing a dangerous criminal through Heathrow Airport lost him at the Helsinki check-in desk....the Police claim he disappeared into Finnair!

 

[Doug B]

 

[Jaco]

Vaseline​

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out ! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bedcovers she pulled back the elastic waistband of his shorts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he raced to the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, Tears in her eyes. After all the years of torture she reckoned she had got her revenge. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained shorts with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked what was the matter. He said Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean," asked his wife. "Well, you always told me one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened. But by the grace of god, some vaseline and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Amateur]

 

[bushwhaker]

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Time for Joke thread 5?

 

[woodhutt]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Brains]

View attachment 167259

Mine remembers everything.

 

[Jaco]

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter
and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.
The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole
bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'
The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. ?The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'
The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the
Australian replied, 'of course.'
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia ..
The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'
The American smiled and said 'Why of course we do.' The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile.
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States .
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?'?

 

[Alex H]

I've just started reading a book on house construction.


It's by Bill Jerome Holme.

 

[Jameshow]

Time for Joke thread 5?

Why not your humour! Needs to be a bit more high brow or pedantic!

 

[The_Yellow_Ardvark]

 

[Robbo3]

Irony

 

[Doug B]

 

[Alex H]

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through the Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, Anglesey on it's way to Rhosllannerchrugog in Wrexham, when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then skids down the road and hits a car from Llanfihangel Tre’r Beirdd, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside.

One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.

A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.

The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"

He replies, "It's hard to say."

 

[Robbo3]