The Newlyweds

[brianhabby]

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears.
"Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.
"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "The most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"
"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

regards

Brian

 

[Gary]

A man comes home from work extremely excited, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts:

"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."


The wife says:

"Wow! That's great! Should I pack for the some winter sun or should I pack for a skiing holiday?"


He says:

"I don't care. Just pack and f%#€ off".

 

[DrPhill]

Put your coat on love I'm going out.

Where are we going?

'We' are not going anywhere, I am going out.

Why should I put my coat on?

'Coz I'm turning off the heating.

 

[Alexam]

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Thanks guys

 

[graduate_owner]

I like this one:-
Man comes home from the pub in a foul mood. When his wife asks him what's wrong he says

I 've just heard the new milkman has been boasting he's been to bed with every wife in our street, except one.

His wife replies -
Oh that'll be the stuck up bitch in No 24.

K

 

[Cordy]

Arguing with my missus is like reading the software licencing agreement.

In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree".

 

[Cordy]

Little Red riding hood found in a critical condition.

Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.

 

[RossJarvis]

Reminds me of a discussion I had with the "ex".

She "you really need to get a mobile phone".

Me "I don't want or need a mobile phone".

She "But you really need one, I mean, how on earth can I get hold of you and talk to you when you're out".

Me "but what would be the point in going out then?".

 

[Cordy]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

........
......
....
The bank manager looks back at her and says. "It's a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[AES]

Oh, Cordy!!!!!!!

I do love these things - Yes, I'm very childish, I know.

In a similar vein:
"Why don't they eat French fries in Wiltshire? 'Cos they have no Devizes for Chippenham!" Boom boom.

(nothing to do with newlyweds I know, but I just couldn't resist, sorry all)



AES

 

[selectortone]

My dear old Dad's favourite shaggy dog story:

A member of the New York Explorers Club is hunting for rare animals in darkest Africa.

He comes across the strangest looking beast he has ever seen. It's a quarter part elephant, a quarter monkey, a quarter hippo and a quarter tiger and with a very sweet disposition.

They cage it and ship it to New York to the explorers club where he exhibits the creature that he calls a "Rarey" and gives a talk on it before the members.

Over a short period of time he notices that the Rarey is growing extremely fast and is soon too large to keep in a cage. He decides to return it to its home in Africa even though there is not enough food around to keep it alive. They reach the edge of a tall cliff and they both look over knowing that the Rarey, unable to survive, must go over the edge to his death.

The explorer says "Good bye old friend I will miss you". To his surprise the Rarey speaks for the first time. It looks down over the steep cliff and sings, "It's a long way to tip a Rarey".

 

[selectortone]

My favourite shaggy dog story:

Roy Rogers is appearing in a rodeo in a little town in Texas miles from anywhere.

The night before the rodeo he puts a brand new pair of cowboy boots outside the door of his motel room to be polished. In the morning he opens the door and finds his boots have been badly clawed up and chewed by what appears to be a wild animal. Enraged, he organises a posse to hunt down the animal.

After a chase, the posse corners a cougar with boot polish on its face. They despatch the snarling animal and return to the waiting Roy at the hotel with the carcass.

The head of the posse holds up the carcass and says "Pardon me Roy - is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

(Last sentence should be sung to the first line of "The Chatanooga Choo-choo")

 

[Benchwayze]

Darn it Selector... Now I have an 'ear-worm' to contend with all day!

I'll just go and put on a Glen Miller CD; hopefully that will work it out!

Thanks a bunch! :lol:

John

 

[Cordy]

Nicola Sturgeon believes the result of the England vs Scotland game on Friday was ‘wrong’ and will fight for it to be overturned

The 3-0 defeat was the wrong result for Scotland, she said, and pledged to do everything in her power to reverse the scoreline no matter how long it takes.

Reports indicate she has already made a succession of calls to Senior UEFA and FIFA officials to seek their support in changing the outcome.

If she cannot get the result changed by conventional methods, Sturgeon confirmed she has not taken demanding a replay off the table.

“I don’t believe this result is in the best interest of Scotland, or of football, and it is clear that changing it would be entirely fair,” she told reporters at Holyrood.

“UEFA’s position that the result is binding just because we lost is short-termist and doesn’t serve the Scottish people in the way they deserve.”

Sturgeon went on to say she believed England had stolen literally dozens of goals that were rightfully Scottish, and she would organise a wide-ranging consultation and enquiry to examine all aspects of the result and report on how it can best be changed in Scotland’s favour.