Jokes

[DomValente]

A man sitting at a bar at Heathrow Airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty air hostess. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to make her acquaintance, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him, "What the hell do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said: " Ahhhhh, Ryanair"

 

[Gill]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimd," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,

"What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

 

[ByronBlack]

absolute quality!! Love both of them.. really brightened up my day

 

[Anonymous]

A young boy was doing very badly in his maths lessons. His parents had tried everything to help: private tutors, mentors, special learning centres, everything they could think of to help him improve.
Finally, in a last ditch effort they took him down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, the little boy came home with a very serious look on his face. Instead of turning the television on he went straight to his room and started studying. His mother was amazed. A couple of hours later she called him down to dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and hit the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, the little boy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. His mother nervously opened the report card and jumped for joy: her little boy had finally got an 'A' in maths!
She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
The little boy looked at her and shook his head, "No Mummy."
"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"
The little boy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign and I knew then they weren't screwing around."

 

[keithhickson]

Poor old Robert, won the lottery and bought his pride and joy, a British Racing Green Aston Martin DB9, sadly he was so thrilled when it arrived he suffered a heart attack and passed away.
Upon finding himself outside the Pearly Gates obviously upset he was asked by St Peter as to what the problem was. Having explained about the lottery and getting his car but never being able to drive it St Peter said that it was not a problem and his car appeared beside him.
"Don't worry about speed limits here Robert" said St Peter "There aren't any"
Two days later a very irate Robert accosts St Peter "I've just been stopped for speeding, you said there wasn't a speed limit!"
"What did he look like" asked St Peter....."Well", said Robert " He was dressed all in white, with a long white beard and white crash helmet, riding on a white motorbike with flashing red and blue lights, he stopped me and gave me a ticket!"

"Oh don't mind him, that's God he just thinks he's a Traffic Cop"

 

[DomValente]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more
than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes,
he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth
over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged"
him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results
of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he
found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were
doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their
mouths shut.

 

[Paul Chapman]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[andys wood shed]

DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[iajon69]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she
placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house
than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing
very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and
the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The
hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now, take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her
boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her
eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired!"

 

[herdsman]

An elderly couple walk into the doctor's surgery, 'How can I help?' asked the doctor. 'Well' said the lady, 'it is a delicate matter but our sex life is not like it used to be'. 'Don't worry' said the doctor handing her a prescription, 'Stir this into his coffee, it should help'.

Two weeks later the elderly couple return to the surgery looking very sad. 'What is the problem' asked the doctor, 'didn't the prescription work?'.

'Oh, yes' said the lady. 'I stirred it into my husband's coffee as instructed, he instantly tore off his clothes and then he tore off mine and then he took me on the table, it was the best ever!!!'

'So what is the problem' asked the doctor......the lady replied 'we'll never be able to show our faces in Macdonald's again'.

 

[RogerM]

My daughter sent me these in an email. Well, I liked them! Particularly finding "x".

 

[brianhabby]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?"

The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."

 

[woodbloke]

Rog - going to have to send that to my lad doing a maths degree...cracking :lol: - Rob

 

[Paul Chapman]

Really enjoyed those, Roger

Cheers :wink:

Paul

 

[Jaco]

South African joke

Koos (Paddy) was walking through his veld (fields) one day when he
spots someone drinking water from a pool.

He shouts, "Moenie die water drink nie, dis vol skaap kak".
Translation - (don't drink the water, it is full of sheep s-h-i-t)

The other guy says, "I'm a Kiwi mate, speak English!"

Koos replies, "Use both hands, you get more that way".

 

[Woodmagnet]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Jaco]

What is the difference between the Aussies, the All Blacks and 1 half of a Viagra????

Well, with the half Viagra you will at least get a 'semi'!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Jaco]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

 

[Jaco]

Ahmed and Hamed


Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars in London.


Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot
of money to spend.

Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.
Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10
notes every day.


Ahmed says, "Look at your sign - It says, 'I have no work, a wife and
six kids to support.'

Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything
by giving you money.
You will still have no job and a large family.


Now look at my sign."

So Hamid looks at Ahmed's sign which reads, " I only need another £10
to go back to Pakistan."

 

[Jaco]

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.



“Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well, 'he explained, "The restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


:lol: :lol: