Lons
Established Member
Very pertinent with all the floods, but especially for anyone who's ever had to apply for planning permission.
The Second Noah
In the year 2015, the lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Northumberland and said: ‘Once again, the Earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans’.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
“You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the continuous rain for 40 days and 40 nights.’
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard and no sign of the Ark.
Noah! he roared, I have started the rain. Where is the Ark?’
‘Forgive me Lord’ , begged Noah, ‘Things have changed. I need a Building Permit. I’ve been arguing with the Boat Building Inspector about the need for an on-board sprinkler system. My neighbours claim I have violated the Neighbourhood By Laws by building the Ark in in my own back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the County Planning Committee for a decision.
Then the Local Council and Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea.
I told them the sea would be coming to us, but they would not hear of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There is a ban on cutting local trees, in order to save the bats. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the whole species. They still refused.
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA took me to Court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued that the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to keep so many animals in a confined space.
The Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I could not build the Ark until they had conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I am still trying to resolve a complaint with The Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I am supposed to hire for my building gang.
Immigration are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I cannot employ my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I am trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark’.
Suddenly the skies cleared over Northumberland. The sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
‘You mean you are not going to destroy the World, Lord?’
‘No’, said the Lord.
‘The Council and Government have beaten me to it’.
The Second Noah
In the year 2015, the lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Northumberland and said: ‘Once again, the Earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans’.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
“You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the continuous rain for 40 days and 40 nights.’
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard and no sign of the Ark.
Noah! he roared, I have started the rain. Where is the Ark?’
‘Forgive me Lord’ , begged Noah, ‘Things have changed. I need a Building Permit. I’ve been arguing with the Boat Building Inspector about the need for an on-board sprinkler system. My neighbours claim I have violated the Neighbourhood By Laws by building the Ark in in my own back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the County Planning Committee for a decision.
Then the Local Council and Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea.
I told them the sea would be coming to us, but they would not hear of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There is a ban on cutting local trees, in order to save the bats. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the whole species. They still refused.
When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA took me to Court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued that the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to keep so many animals in a confined space.
The Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I could not build the Ark until they had conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I am still trying to resolve a complaint with The Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I am supposed to hire for my building gang.
Immigration are checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.
The trades unions say I cannot employ my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I am trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark’.
Suddenly the skies cleared over Northumberland. The sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
‘You mean you are not going to destroy the World, Lord?’
‘No’, said the Lord.
‘The Council and Government have beaten me to it’.
