(Another) Duck Joke

[wellywood]

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman "Gimme a pint and a pie."
The barman, naturally, is gobsmacked. "A talking duck!" He exclaims.
"Yeah, yeah." says the duck. 'Now hurry up with the pint and pie. I'm on my lunch break."
"You work!?" says barman. "What do you do?"
"I'm a plasterer," says the duck. "I'm working on that new housing development down the street."
The barman, always one with an eye out for the main chance says, "Tell you what. I know the guy who runs the local circus. He'd pay a fortune to a duck like you."
The duck sips his pint thoughtfully and asks, "A circus? You mean one of those places with a big tent and acrobats and clowns and the like?"
The barman nods, enthusiastically.
The duck ponders a bit more and says. "What the heck would a circus want with a plasterer?"

 

[RossJarvis]

Man walks into a pub with a duck dancing on a biscuit tin.

"that's amazing" says the landlord, how much? "It'd keep the punters happy".

"Ooh, it'll not be cheap" says the man.

Anyway, to cut a long story short (and this was a long story), the deal is done and many Pound notes are exchanged. At three in the morning, the man gets a phone call. "You know that duck you sold me, went down a treat with the customers, but he won't stop dancing and I can't get to sleep, is there anything I can do?'

"Well, go to the duck, lift him off the biscuit tin, open the lid and you'll see a few tea-lights in the tin, blow them out!"

Boom boom!

 

[wellywood]

A bloke arrives late at the cinema and feels his way to a seat. When the lights go on at the intermission he realises there's a duck in the next seat.
"Good grief," he exclaims. "You're a duck!"
"Yes," says the duck.
"What on earth is a duck doing at the movies!?"
"Well," says the duck. "I enjoyed the book so much..."

 

[JustBen]

Ha ha ha. Keep em coming....

 

[wellywood]

benjimano - you asked for it!

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman, "Got any grapes?"
Once he gets over his shock, the barman says no, sorry, they don't sell grapes.
Next day, the same duck walks in and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again the barman says no.
The same thing happens every day for a week and the barman is getting pretty p'd off with the whole thing so that, when the duck next walks in and says "Got any grapes?" The barman loses it and grabs the duck by the throat.
"Look!" he says. "We're a pub we do not sell grapes, never have sold grapes and never bloody well will sell grapes. If you come in here once more asking for grapes I will nail your flamin' beak to the bar!"
"Oh" says the duck. "Have you got any nails?"
"NO!" screams the barman.
"Good," says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

 

[RossJarvis]

benjimano - you asked for it!
"Oh" says the duck. "Have you got any nails?"
"NO!" screams the barman.
"Good," says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

:lol: :lol: :lol: (hammer) (hammer) (hammer) :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[JustBen]

He he he. I love silly jokes.

 

[Jonzjob]

Start the week with a giggle? No better way :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

As the man said "keep en comming" =D> =D> =D> =D>

 

[flying haggis]

Man phones the doctor and says

"Doctor, doctor, my wife thinks she's a duck."

"You better bring her in to see me straight away."

"I can't do that - she's already flown south for the winter."

 

[Jonzjob]

Why did she fly south? The winter, at the mo, is in the north :? :? :?

 

[doctor Bob]

Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his condoms, he calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three.

Reception asks "shall I put them on your bill"?

Donald replies "Don't be f******ng stupid I'll suffocate"

 

[graduate_owner]

Man finds a talking duck and takes it into the pub that evening. "Hey everyone, who'll place a bet that my duck can talk?"
After loads of bets, the man says to the duck - "OK talk to them" - - - nothing, NOTHING, just a few quacks.
So he loses a shed load of money and when he gets the duck home, he says he's going to wring it's neck and cook it.

So the duck says "relax man, just think of the odds you'll get when we try it again tomorrow evening"

OR

A student out for a walk hears this voice coming from the ground - nobody around, and eventually realises it's coming from a frog (no, not a duck). Frog says she's really a beautiful maiden who's been turned into a frog by a wicked witch, and only a kiss on the lips will change her back - usual thing. So the student picks up the frog and pots it in his pocket.
The frog keeps on and on, asking him for a kiss. "What's wrong with you? I'll turn into a beautiful maiden, I'll be your grilfriend, I'll be forever grateful"?
So the student says "look, I've got exams coming up, I really don't have time for a girlfriend at the moment. But a talking frog - now that will impress the guys down the pub"

That's it for now

K

 

[Robbo3]

Two Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying ...that phrase ...in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!

 

[Robbo3]

Jesus Knows

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[Robbo3]

Reformed Parrot

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a mean attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[Robbo3]

Schnauzer

A woman found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the woman that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The woman went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The woman said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
The woman replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

[Robbo3]

Road Kill

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and to everyone's relief confirmed the problem was definitely not Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah" not a single one could shout "Truck."

 

[wellywood]

Schnauzer
The woman replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Love it! :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Cowboy _Builder]

I man went into a Fish and Chip shop and asked for Cod and Chips ,
The owner said "sorry we don't have any Cod" would you like something else .
He replied " Yes , Cod please"
The owner said ,I've told you we don't have Cod ,
The guy replied again "Cod Please ".
The owner getting a little peeved said .
"Listen to what I'm saying i'll spell it out to you ..we do not have any COFD "
the guy said "There's no F in Cod"
The owner said "That's what I've been trying to tell you"

 

[Cowboy _Builder]

I walked into the Butchers and said to the woman serving "A pound a Fillet".
She replied "A pound you don't".