Another Joke

[squib]

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" 
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ... 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL Database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. 

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the Farmer and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?" 

"No guessing required." answered Sam."You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog".

 

[Fidget]

A teacher asked her class what jobs their daddies did.

Little Tommy announced "My daddy's a stripper in a gay bar!" All the other children laughed. The teacher sent them all out to play except Tommy. She asked him "Is that true about your daddy?" Little Tommy replied "No, he actually plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say so!"

 

[whiskywill]

A teacher asked her class what jobs their daddies did.

Little Tommy announced "My daddy's a stripper in a gay bar!" All the other children laughed. The teacher sent them all out to play except Tommy. She asked him "Is that true about your daddy?" Little Tommy replied "No, he actually plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say so!"

This one resurfaces rather often lately.

 

[whiskywill]

A man was robbing a bank when his balaclava slipped showing his face.

He went up to the queue of customers and asked the first man "Did you see my face?" He replied "Yes". So he shot him dead. He went to the second customer and asked the same question. She also said "Yes" so was shot dead. He went up to the third customer and asked " Did you see my face?" The man said "No, but my wife did".

 

[Robbo3]

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"Washing machine: free to good home."
"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
"Great Dames for sale."
"Lost Cocktail."
"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."
"Free ducks. You catch."
"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"
"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
"For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"
"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"
"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"
"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."
"Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."
"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."
"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."
"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
"Tattoos done while you wait."
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
"Stock up and save. Limit: one."
"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."
"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
"This house has been fully insulted."
"Man, honest. Will take anything."
"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."
"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."
"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
"Illiterate? Write today for free help."
"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."
"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."

 

[andersonec]

Some news for you chippies out there....

Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter he never actually sang on any of the album's.


Sorry, Ill get my coat.

 

[mr edd]

Got a text from an old mate it read,

I bought a new deodorant stick the other day, the instructions said ''unscrew top and push up bottom'', i haven't walked straight since but my farts smell beautiful...................

 

[Phil Pascoe]

The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

My friend's best man got the hymn number wrong for his wedding. The hymn they got was "For Those in Peril on the Sea".

 

[Cordy]

The Mary Celeste mystery has been solved;
Michael McIntyre and Miranda were booked as the cabaret......

 

[AES]

Sorry Cordy, I'm probably out of touch, but I don't get that one at all. Who are John Bishop and Miranda please? (sorry if I've screwed it up) (hammer)

 

[Cordy]

Quite right AES
Altered to Michael McIntyre........

 

[AES]

OK, got it (soreeeeeeeeeeeeeee)!

 

[celebrex]

My dog's just turned up at the pub shaking like a leaf.
He knows if I'm not home in 10 minutes he's getting my dinner.

 

[skelph]

It was 1066 and King Harold was talking to one of his generals. He asked, "How good are these chaps with spears"
The general got one to throw the spear at a passing deer and he killed it outright.
"Very good but the deer is a big target. What about the crossbow men?"
The general ordered a crossbow man to shoot at a pigeon in the trees. Down it came dead with the crossbow bolt right in the middle.
"Yes OK but the pigeon was sat still and an easy target" "What about the longbow men?"
The general picked out one particular man and waited until they saw rabbits scuttling about. Twang! The arrow fell to the ground under the bowman. He had another go and "perdoing" the bowman had the arrow in his hand and the bow on the floor.
King Harold pulled the general to one side and whispered in his ear "Watch that b*gger, he'll have someone's eye out before the end of the day"

 

[skelph]

Another one -

A motorcyclist swerved to avoid a fox, lost control and ended up in a ditch with a severely banged head. Dazed and confused he crawled out onto the edge of the road as a shiny sports car pulled up. A very beautiful woman with a low-cut blouse got out and asked him how he was.
'I'm not too sure,' he said looking hard at her stunning breasts.
She replied, 'Get in and I'll take you home and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.'
He said, 'That's very good of you but I don't think my wife would agree to that.' When she said that she was a trained nurse and it wasn't very far, he gave in still muttering that his wife was going to be really upset.
At her place, after a couple of cold lagers and with his head all bandaged up, she unbuttoned her blouse, smiled and said, 'Stay for a while. Your wife won't know anything, and by the way where is she?'
He replied, 'Still in the ditch with my bike.'

 

[OscarG]

A man in a hospital gown walks into a pub and orders 2 large double whiskies. As the barman hands him his drinks he says "With what I've got, I really shouldn't be drinking these."

Barman asks "Why? what have you got?"

Man replies: "20p"


*Ken Dodd*

 

[Robbo3]

Retirement Options USA Style

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ..
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc..
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

OR

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

 

[Robbo3]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now, if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants
to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks...

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .... .

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?

 

[Cordy]

The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates --- walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least" I said

"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered"

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.

 

[Cordy]

The sky burns.

Empty buildings collapse into dust.

No birds sing and no insects move.

Earth's final drops of water evaporate into space.

A man crawls across a shattered plain, and with his last breath whispers


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