My favourite.
Baron Knights - Smurf song
Where are you all coming from?
We're fron Dartmoor on the run
How did you work out your route?
We followed the arrows on our suits
What were you in Dartmoor for?
We borrowed a safe from the bank next door
Why do you all talk this way?
'cos we're from Catford, ain't we, ey?
----------------------------------
Not forgetting Spike Milligan,
I left my heart in San Fransisco
I left my heart in San Fransisco
I left my knees in old Peru
I left my little wooden leg
Hanging on a metal peg
And my eyeballs I gave to you
I left my teeth on Table Mountain
High on a hill they smile at me
When I come home to you San Fransisco
There won't be much left of me
I left my heart in San Fransisco
I left my knees in old Peru
I left my little wooden leg
Somewhere in Winnipeg
I left my wig in Dalton Zoo with you
I left my teeth on Table Mountain
High on a hill they smile at me
When I come home to you San Fransisco
There won't be much left of me
---------------------------------------------
Ken Dodd
Are you Lonesome Tonight?
Are you lonesome tonight,
Are your corsets too tight,
Are your brassieres all tattered & torn?
Did you put on your vest,
With the hole in the chest,
Or was it too bad to be worn?
Are your stockings all crinkled,
Your shoes worn & thin,
Are your knickers held up with a big safety pin?
Are you frightened to yawn,
'cos your teeth are all gawn,
Well! that's why your lonesome tonight.
------------------------------------
Green Stamps Song
(Sung to the tune of Green-sleeves)
I found my love in a grocery shop,
Selling pickles and egg-plants and bottles of pop;
She asked me to try her asparagus tips,
And I fell for the smile on her ruby red lips.
(Chorus)
Green stamps were all she gave,
Green stamps were all I took,
Green stamps were all I saved,
So I pasted them all in my green stamp book.
I'd go every day just to gaze at her face,
And in no time at all I had bought out the place.
Tho' ne'er did I e'er taste her ruby red lips,
I own four thousand cans of asparagus tips.
Chorus . . .
Whenever I'm lonely or tired or blue,
I go to my bookshelf and here's what I do:
I reach for that book and then with loving care,
I count every green stamp that's pasted in there.
Chorus . . .
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Gilbert & Sullivan,
I am the Very Model of a Usenet Personality
Song by Tom Holt, from a newgroup posting dated 1998/03/07
I am the very model of a usenet personality.
I intersperse obscenity with tedious banality.
Addresses I have plenty of, both genuine and ghosted too,
On all the countless newgroups that my drivel is cross-posted to.
Your bandwidth I will fritter with my whining and my snivelling,
And you're the one who pays the bill, downloading all my drivelling.
My enemies are numerous, and no-one would be blaming you
For cracking my head open after I've been rudely flaming you.
I hate to lose an argument (by now I should be used to it).
I wouldn't know a valid point if I was introduced to it.
My learning is extensive but consists of mindless trivia,
Designed to fan my ego, which is larger than Bolivia.
The comments that I vomit forth, disguised as jest and drollery,
Are really just an exercise in unremitting trollery.
I say I'm plain and simple, but that's merely lies and vanity,
The gibberings of one who's at the limits of his sanity.
If only I could get a life, as many people tell me to;
If only Mom could find a circus freak-show she could sell me to;
If I go off to Zanzibar to paint the local scenery;
If I lose all my fingers in a mishap with machinery;
If I survive to twenty, which is somewhat problematical;
If what I post was more mature, or slightly more grammatical;
If I could learn to spell a bit, and maybe even punctuate;
Would I still be the loathsome and objectionable punk you hate?
But while I have this tiresome urge to prance around and show my face,
It simply isn't safe for normal people here in cyberspace.
To stick me in Old Sparky and turn on the electricity
Would be a fitting punishment for all my plain simplicity.
--------------------------------------------------
Julie Andrews - My Favorite Things
Claim: Julie Andrews sang an old folks' parody of "My Favorite Things" to celebrate her 69th birthday.
Status: False.
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." However, the lyrics of the song were deliberately changed for the entertainment of her "blue hair" audience. Here are the lyrics she recited:
Maalox (Botox) and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things..
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.
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