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Things you say that got you into the dog house.

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Inspector

Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck!
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That's why to this day I never use their name. Just endearments like babe, honey, love etc, but I have no problem being called God. Funny how that works.

Pete
 

D_W

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"the best 10% from 10 of your friends' husband made into an artificial person is not real....nor is it realistic"

"well, _____ is a better husband than me if he's that thoughtful. I'm more than willing to accept that".

"if you want to compare our income and living to a doctor, you should've married a doctor, but you'd have to marry a doctor uglier than me or that wouldn't make any sense." (implies that the wife isn't pretty enough or has the attributes to just get the same guy but only with some better attributes) :)

"please write down what you want to do, because I can't pick it out from the lectures and don't hear any of those". (kids say that, too).
 

mikej460

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I'm up to my neck in it.
During a romantic evening I held my wife, kissed her deeply on the lips and looked into her eyes.
" You're the most beautiful woman on our street" I told her.
She pushed me away.
" You used to tell me I was the most beautiful woman in the universe"
As she stood with hands on her hips...You know the stance.
" But that was 31 years ago" I mumbled.
I nearly added, Times Change......but kept my gob shut.
I'm now on jankers,
Not speaking
And getting the, "Evil Stare"
Just remember in 10 years time not to say 'you're the prettiest woman in our house'...
 

clogs

just can't decide
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Vamos, Crete, GREECE.......
when her 2 daughters left home for ever ....
i said phew glad their gone......ooops......hahaha....
even she's happier now.....
 

Amateur

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My 84 year old, now deceased, father-in-law was given water tablets by his doctor to help with water retention.
His wife was driving them into Morrison's car park when he was taken short.
He exited the car, put on his cap, grabbed his walking stick and hobbled off as quick as he could into the supermarket gents.
All the urinals were occupied except the end one which was a lot lower than the rest.
He managed without any accidents but half way through he turned to a big bruiser next to him and said, This urinal is a lot lower, it must be for children? "
"Nahhhh" said the chap, "It's for old gits like you with long dicks!"
He told that story till the day he died and laughed till he cried every time after telling the tale
 

Stan

stupid boy!
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To a senior officer, just after I have exited trap 2 while the water is still flushing, and he is at the sinks washing his hands:

Him: Ah Stan, that's the best part of you gone then.

Me: No sir, I was just giving birth to a supervisor.

**

I believe that if you can't take it, don't give it. Doesn't help when the sh**** jobs are being handed out though....
 

Puggers

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My wife has a good sense of humour but a couple of things I’ve said that stand out as not going to plan are -

“Rather than incessantly criticising me, why don’t you write it all down daily and then I can read it all whilst I’m on the bog Saturday”.

Or having been told I was boring I said “l’m not normally boring, I must just be reacting to the people around me”.

To be fair, both were probably how I said them rather than what I’d said.

One that did go down well and which she uses herself now is that I said her backside looked like a badly packed parachute when she tried on an ill-fitting dress 😀.
 

Chippysu

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bought my wife a fitness tracker and a set of scales for valentines day.
turns out, I have a good wife, she wanted both.

got bollocked for buying flowers from a florist last year when she'd been to hospital. "what you wasting money for, go to aldi"

I'm a lucky man me. :)
Yes I'm the same, with young children money was spread thinly, my hubby spent out on a big bouquet for an occasion, (& tbh it's rare that florists put anything decent in,) I felt he'd spent too much. I've said over & over since that a £2 supermarket bunch bought now and again for no reason other than he just wants to or it's been a stressful week means more to me than an over priced once a year 'well it's what's done.' When I was expecting our first, I requested a steamer so we could cook healthier. My poor hubby got a roasting from a woman in the lift as she'd asked him who it was for, (cheeky mare!) He was very relieved when I was very happy on Xmas day! ☺
 

Sandyn

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My wife is Irish. She is very tolerant with a good sense of humour. She needs it living with me! We were driving to the shops one day. She was sorting things in her shopping bag. She suddenly pulls out a rather large potato. I asked "What do you keep that in your bag for? in case there's another famine?"
So anything to do with potatoes has become a bit of a family joke. Not long after my grandson was born, my daughter sent a picture of a potato with a smiley face drawing on it saying it was the grandson's passport photo. She takes it in good humour most of the time
 

Ttrees

Iroko loco!
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Just remarking to the missus, on how well the gappy cascamite joint is holding up on the hand axe.
(salvaged from a bar top a few years ago)
Uuaghh, she says...
You mean to tell me that I have been using that skuzzy old chewing gum bartop for a handle, ha ha:p
 

sploo

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Too many to list with my "boss", so instead I'll relate my most cherished childhood memory;...

Standard British Summer Holiday (read: sitting inside a parked car eating sandwiches as the rain lashed down around us), little Sploo is reading a magazine that had an article about the film "Who Framed Roger Rabbit", which described the Jessica Rabbit character as "voluptuous".

"Dad", says, I, "what's voluptuous?"

My old man (never one for deep thoughts or speeches), turned to face me. Paused, and said, "Well son. It's like your mum, but sexier".

She kicked his ass. To this day I've never seen a worse beating handed down inside the confines of a 1980's hatchback.
 

HappyHacker

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This is when I managed to avoid the doghouse or worse.
On a Caribbean cruise I went, without wife, on a snorkelling trip. Very warm so we were all in bathers for most of the trip which involved a couple of hours on a small boat plus the snorkling. The courier from the cruise ship was a very nice young lady, wearing a bikini, who worked in the onboard spa. I spent a short time talking to her during the trip. Back on board the ship with my wife she started talking to a rep in uniform from the spa who I had just walked past. I returned and she said hello to me. I realised she was the courier from the trip and I said "Sorry, I did not recognise you with" at that point I was just about to say "your clothes on" but unusually for me self preservation forced some quick thinking and I managed to finish with "your uniform on" and breathed easily as I had just got away with it.
 

Cabinetman

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Haha you only think you got away with it, and your wife is letting you think that, it probably makes her smile when she thinks you think you got away with it, she knew precisely what you were about to say, guaranteed, I swear that they are psychic. Ian
 
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