Jokes 2

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Russell

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Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and Immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.


Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.


After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to [email protected]** in the boat."
 

*xen*

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Mangoes in a pub.....

.......amazing really. I mean, I can remember when it was just peanuts, crisps and pork scratchings and stuff like that.
 

Jaco

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Before his 2001 inauguration, George Bush was invited to a "get acquainted" tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he might use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton 's personal bathroom, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said, "When I am President, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self-indulgent!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been when he discovered that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill, "I found out who pi**ed in your saxophone."
 

Terry Smart

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"Excerpts from a Dog's Diary"

8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!

10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!

12:00pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!





"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary"

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. sprouts! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try thisagain tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now.....
 

DomValente

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A bald headed man with a peg leg wrote a letter including a photograph of himself to his local fancy dress shop and asked them to send him a costume for a party he was attending.

The next day a package with a bandana and an eye patch arrived and a letter saying" with the bandana on your head, the eyepatch on your eye and the peg leg you'll make a great pirate.
The man wrote back saying how disgusted he was that they were drawing attention to his disability.

Two days later another package and letter arrived, it was a monks habit and the letter said " the habit will hide your disability and with your bald head you'll make a great monk"
He wrote back saying it was disgraceful that they should draw attention to his baldness

The shop wrote back enclosing a tin of Golden syrup, the letter said "pour the syrup over your head stick your wooden leg up your a### and go as a *?%#%#* toffee apple
 

gwaithcoed

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A shop that sells new husbands has just opened in London, where a woman
> >may go to choose a husband.
> >
> >Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the shop
> >operates:
> >
> >1. You may visit this shop ONLY ONCE.
> >
> >2. There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the
> >shopper ascends.
> >
> >3. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
> >choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to
> >exit the building!
> >
> >A woman goes to the Husband Shop to find a husband.
> >
> >On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
> >
> >Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
> >
> >The second floor sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 2 - These men have jobs and loves kids
> >
> >The third floor sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
> >"Impressive," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes
> >to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love
> >kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. "Oh, wow!"
> >she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
> >
> >Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking,
> >help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so
> >tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
> >
> >Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
> >
> >There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
> >women are impossible to please.
> >
> >Thank you for shopping at the Husband Shop.
> >
> >To avoid gender bias charges, the shop's owner opened a new Wives Shop
> >just across the street, also with six floors and the same rules.
> >
> >The first floor has wives that love sex.
> >
> >The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
> >
> >The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.


Alan
 

Jaco

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An 89 year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof, the light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done poof, the light goes out? "

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again".
 

sean.brock

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
 

Slim

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An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables,horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,

"we're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.
 

Jaco

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At last! A decent chain letter, as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes. Costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to nine of your mates.

INSTRUCTIONS

Anaesthetise your wife, put her in a large carton (with ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive 823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least: 0.5 Miss Worlds, 2.5 models, 463 wild nymphos, 3,234 good-looking nymphos, 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms and 40,198 bi-sexual women. In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only five instead of nine of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face. On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter.

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women). No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate...send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner - one of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.
 

sean.brock

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
 

Slim

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Tony was driving his truck minding his own business when he had to stop at a red light. As he stopped a car pulled up alongside a blonde stepped out, ran round to his cab and said ' Hi, I'm cindy, you're losing your load'

Tony shook his head and drove on. At the next set of lights the car drew up again, the same blonde got out ran round to his cab and said 'Hi I'm Cindy, you're losing your load.

Again Tony shook his head and drove on. The same thing at the next set. Out of her car ran round and said 'Hi I'm Cindy, you're losing your load.

Tony shook his head and when the lights turned green floored his truck and managed to get to the next set of lights before the blonde. He stopped the truck got out and ran round to where the blonde had pulled up. She wound down her window and he said.

'Hi, I'm Tony, and I'm driving a ****ing gritter'
 

Jaco

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A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different Hell for each country. He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to German Hell and asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA Hell as well as the Russian Hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell. Then he comes to the South African Hell and finds that there is a long queue of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told: first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The South African devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day. "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many people waiting to get in?" he asks. "Because Eskom is struggling and is powerless, there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And, on top of that, the South African devil used to be a government employee, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes out to do his private business for the rest of the day."

:D 8)
 
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