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Max Power
Established Member
Glad you liked it Henning 
Max Power
Established Member
A teacher arrives at a school to fill in for an absent member of staff. The headmaster asks her name and she says "Miss Franny". "Ooh, I don't think I'll remember that" says the head. "It's easy" says the teacher, "just think of Fanny with an R". The teacher is taken along to the classful of children and the head is introducing her to her new class he says "Children, I'd like you to meet your new teacher... Miss Crunt!"
Max Power
Established Member
A sex therapist reckons the best way for a woman to arouse a man is to lick his ears for 10 minutes, personally I think it's b*ll*cks
woodbloke
Established Member
I heard this one yesterday for the first time but I 'spect it's done the rounds.
The Grim Reaper paid me a visit last night but I beat him off with with a vacuum cleaner...it's what you call dyson with death - Rob
The Grim Reaper paid me a visit last night but I beat him off with with a vacuum cleaner...it's what you call dyson with death - Rob
Ironballs
Established Member
Your coat is waiting for you by the door Rob
cambournepete
Established Member
Peter Allen read it out on Radio 5 Live Drive last week - made me laugh
xy mosian
Established Member
My window cleaner was showing me his new 'phone yesterday.
His wife is listed as 'Five Horses' ?????????????????
NAG, nag, nag ,nag, nag :lol:
xy
His wife is listed as 'Five Horses' ?????????????????
NAG, nag, nag ,nag, nag :lol:
xy
Max Power
Established Member
A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer. The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five pounds." As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here." To which the gorilla replies, "At five pounds a pint, it's no wonder..."
Max Power
Established Member
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!!"
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!!"
Max Power
Established Member
Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working. So the blonde looks out the window and says, ''Yes. No. Yes. No
Max Power
Established Member
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 Oclock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Tyne Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead £50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead £50.
The redhead said, "I cant take this, you're my friend."But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bets a bet."
Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O clock news, so I cant take your money."
The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
A man was shown threatening to jump from the Tyne Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead £50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead £50.
The redhead said, "I cant take this, you're my friend."But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bets a bet."
Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O clock news, so I cant take your money."
The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
studders
Established Member
I hope a New Joke Book is on your want list for chrimble.
:lol:
:lol:
Max Power
Established Member
The old ones are the best Studders :lol: :lol:
Max Power
Established Member
A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said,”I want to be a movie star.”
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all the `Right’ credentials.
The agent asked, “What’s your name?”
The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”
The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”
“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!”
The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years…..you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”
“So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.
FIVE YEARS LATER…
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…
“Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought long and hard about what you had said. I decided you were quite right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed up with another agent. There is no doubt that I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had all the `Right’ credentials.
The agent asked, “What’s your name?”
The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”
The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”
“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!”
The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years…..you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”
“So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.
FIVE YEARS LATER…
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed…
“Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
After I left your office, I thought long and hard about what you had said. I decided you were quite right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed up with another agent. There is no doubt that I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
jpt
Established Member
=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>
Jaco
Established Member
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation,
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone
you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang
out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman"
God said, "Ah, yes."
Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.
1. There! 's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold
on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words
and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper
and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are
riding my invention than yours."
died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone
you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang
out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and
introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman"
God said, "Ah, yes."
Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention.
1. There! 's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold
on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words
and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper
and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are
riding my invention than yours."
Max Power
Established Member
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's erection is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's erection is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Max Power
Established Member
What Lies Ahead For Us
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Wa s I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME!!!
An elderly Londoner called 999 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Wa s I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME!!!
An elderly Londoner called 999 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
