Joke

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I have a joke.

Aston Villa.

3:0 down by half time.

And yes i am a Villa fan, and yes i am glad o'neil has gone, I also think .........................well to be honest you lot probably don't give a rats ass.
 
I do though Mark. And I am disgusted. A 6-0 thrashing. They played like novices.

And the club in general..

No incoming talent worth speaking of, despite the 'transfer window'.
Arguably, our best player goes to Man City!
And Carew? Now there's a joke.

What's the betting they will be calling for Lerner to go?


:twisted:
 
I actually like lerner john, he is a good businessman, and i understood his reasoning for the sell to buy policy, as he had 250 grands a week worth of talent not getting on the pitch under oneil

Villa have a seriously good youth academy and the next manager will need to blood them one at a time a few minutes at a time to get the best out of them.

We did sell our best player to man city last week, but one player isn't a team, although judging by todays performance i'm probably completely wrong.

I say give macdonald till january as its highly unlikely we will be bringing any new players in within the next 2 weeks and he knows the reserves and the academy better than anyone. Don't forget we lost the engine last week and it takes time to fire up a new one.
 
Benchwayze":3v9g980f said:
Well Villa are up there today...

So as a Villa/New-castle supporter I have divided loyalties, but I hope the Villa win.

:wink:

regards
John
:)


:oops: What was that you said John :)

Have to admit though, my prediction was 1-0 to NUFC

Bob
 
Benchwayze":2vtmc40o said:
Just have to see you all at Villa Park I guess.

I can't deny, that Villa were abysmal...

:wink:
John

I'm saying nothing more John !

As a lifelong Toon suporter, I've been where you are now far too many times to take anything for granted or to gloat for long.

Most of us would have taken any win as a bonus before the match.
Interesting that Shearer bet on Carrol to get a hat trick though :wink:

woodguy7
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they will be closing lanes 7 & 8.

#-o (hammer)
 
Well Lons,

I do have enormous respect for Shearer. So I hope he made the bet worth the while for charity!

I might open a new thread on footie.

Catch you later

John
 
I'll do a deal, I'll stop telling Irish jokes on one condition, you persuade all the Irish to stop telling Kerryman jokes
 
19 irish men walk in to a Cinema, 'why so many of you?' a lady asked.
'it says over 18 only' replied one of the irish men.
 
An English man, a Scottish man and an Irish man are in a car driving across the desert. Car breaks down. 100 miles to the next oasis, running low on water they decide that they would have to travel by foot or they would perish in the searing heat.
The English man suggests taking anything from the car that will help them on their journey so he takes the radiator saying "well boys, if I get thirsty I will have some water at hand". The Scottish man declared "I shall take the back seat and if I get tired I can lie down in comfort".
Paddy had been scratching his head in deep thought and wondered what would aid him on the long walk. "I shall take the driver's door". The English man asked Paddy why on earth he wanted to take the driver's door.
"Well my friend, it's like this. If I get too hot I can wind the window down".
 
take it you've heard about the irish shoplifter..... found dead under tesco

and the irish tap dancer.... who fell in the sink

and the irish sea scout... who's tent sank


and not to mention the irish girl who wont use a vibrator.... because it chips her teeth :lol:
 
The Brits travel abroad

(Survey by Thos Cook and ABTA)



"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does
not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often
needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every
restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring
our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a
visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast
ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in
by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the
back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure
shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and
strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as
my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader,
only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea.. The children were
startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the
Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends'
three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee
hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The
food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests
before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a
double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find
myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room
that we booked."
 
An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test 'Here's your first question,' the foreman said.

'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Without numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsaeasy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks.

'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makeanine,' says the Italian.

'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Ere yougo.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do youget that to represent 99?'

'Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, anddirty tree, and dirty tree . Dats a a 99.'
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,'Ere you go. One hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'


The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says,
'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirtytree and a cowpat, dirty tree and a cowpat, and dirty tree and a cowpat, data makeaone hundred.

So, whenna I start?
 
Paddy goes to Canada to be a lumberjack. 1st day on the job and the boss gives him a chainsaw & says" Listen Paddy, I expect 100 trees felled per day, if you don't make the grade you're out!" 12 hours later Paddy staggers back into the camp and collapses.
"How many trees Paddy?" says the boss."97" croaks Paddy.The boss sees how totally shattered Paddy looks and gives him one last chance.
Next day, after 13 hours Paddy is carried in by the other loggers."How many?" says the boss. "98" wheezes Paddy. Another logger says "Jeez boss, that Paddy might be a bit short, but he worked non-stop for 13 hours, no lunch ,nothing!" The boss wonders if Paddy's chainsaw might be faulty so he pulls the cord and the saw roars into life. Paddy leaps up and shouts" be jesus what's that noise?"
 
Rafa Benitez flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi lad play football,
is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to play for
Liverpool.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to United with only 20
minutes left. So Benitez gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation and scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the
game for Liverpool.

Benitez is delighted, the players and fans are delighted and the
media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his
Mum to tell her about his first day in English premiership.

"Hello Mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today,
we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me - the fans,
the media, they all love me".

"Wonderful", says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in
the street and robbed. Your sister and I were ambushed, robbed and beaten,
and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such a
great time".

The young lad was very upset. "What can I say Mum, except that I am very sorry?"

"Sorry?!!!" says his Mum. "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first
place!!"
 
A young couple wanted to join the church. The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon, is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly.


The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower."

The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."

"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of beans and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex.



It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church"

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Wallmart Supermarket either."
 
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