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Lons
Established Member
O-oh
you won't like this much then :!:
Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
you won't like this much then :!:
Letter from an Irish Mother to her Son
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the under-taker. He said if the last payment on your Grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Your loving Mum
P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.
mahking51
Established Member
I've really enjoyed this thread!
I do think , however, that the magnetist and anti-magnetist lobbies should call it a day as they are clearly poles apart....
Hat, coat etc....
Martin
I do think , however, that the magnetist and anti-magnetist lobbies should call it a day as they are clearly poles apart....
Hat, coat etc....
Martin
A
Anonymous
Guest
There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a copper. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"
Benchwayze
Established Member
studders":jeerwh5u said:
Usually yes.. But some of them are poles apart. :wink: :wink: :wink:
Benchwayze
Established Member
Ahhh... A 'He-wee'!
Are you looking Bannantyne?
:lol:
:wink:
John
Are you looking Bannantyne?
:lol:
:wink:
John
Jaco
Established Member
big soft moose":304n7cnq said:
Ahhhh, yes, there were some really good ones, for sure. :lol: :lol:
(thats before some little goody-goody pink and fluffy whatever came along)
Jaco
Established Member
Banana Test – A test of intelligence
There was a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully .. ... Try and answer within 10 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull..
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete silly person.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.
PLEASE NOTE NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS JOKE
[/i]
There was a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully .. ... Try and answer within 10 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Lion = you're dull..
Chimpanzee = you're a moron.
Giraffe = you're a complete silly person.
Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.
A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.
Obviously you're stressed and overworked.
You should take some time off and relax!
Try again next year.
PLEASE NOTE NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS JOKE
[/i]
Benchwayze
Established Member
Jaco":29lqh0ms said:
Give me strength! Please?
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Jaco
Established Member
Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list...
A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.
Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
[Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below]
Answer:
She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list...
Jaco
Established Member
A new council tax-evaluation policy wants to charge us more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.
There is a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has been proved.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought
was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. They are out of control.
I hate living near Windsor Castle.
There is a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad-tempered old man is notorious for racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girl-friend, but nothing has been proved.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought
was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always out partying in nightclubs. They are out of control.
I hate living near Windsor Castle.
Benchwayze
Established Member
With my name, people keep referring to a certain kind of whisky that is sold in a square bottle. According to PC, that should offend me, but it doesn't.
When someone calls me Johnny though it does upset me, but I have to explain why, and it has nothing to do with alcoholic liquor! It doesn't have anything to do with PC either.
A great pal of mine is a Scot, who insists on being called Jock. So where's the harm in it? I don't mind being called 'Brum'.
Any Geordies here who don't like being referred to as Geordies? (And where does the tag come from and have I spelled it correctly (Jordie?) :wink:
To be serious, this PC thing is the reason'so-called comics' now rely on sarcasm, snide remarks and 'effing and blinding'. To stay within the law, there's nothing else they can be 'funny' about. So we get drivel such as Dawn French served up the other day.
John (AKA Jack, JonJon and Oi you!)
When someone calls me Johnny though it does upset me, but I have to explain why, and it has nothing to do with alcoholic liquor! It doesn't have anything to do with PC either.
A great pal of mine is a Scot, who insists on being called Jock. So where's the harm in it? I don't mind being called 'Brum'.
Any Geordies here who don't like being referred to as Geordies? (And where does the tag come from and have I spelled it correctly (Jordie?) :wink:
To be serious, this PC thing is the reason'so-called comics' now rely on sarcasm, snide remarks and 'effing and blinding'. To stay within the law, there's nothing else they can be 'funny' about. So we get drivel such as Dawn French served up the other day.
John (AKA Jack, JonJon and Oi you!)
Max Power
Established Member
Comedy died when the likes of Ben Elton came along :evil: Benny Hill was still being watched by half the planet years after the loons considered him too un pc to be broadcast here
Benchwayze
Established Member
Ben Who? :wink:
Jaco
Established Member
The Nail
Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and
knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently .
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'
Note - No cows or blonds were hurt during the making of this joke
Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and
knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently .
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'
Note - No cows or blonds were hurt during the making of this joke
Lons
Established Member
Benchwayze":3ks73wcr said:With my name, people keep referring to a certain kind of whisky that is sold in a square bottle. According to PC, that should offend me, but it doesn't.
When someone calls me Johnny though it does upset me, but I have to explain why, and it has nothing to do with alcoholic liquor! It doesn't have anything to do with PC either.
A great pal of mine is a Scot, who insists on being called Jock. So where's the harm in it? I don't mind being called 'Brum'.
Any Geordies here who don't like being referred to as Geordies? (And where does the tag come from and have I spelled it correctly (Jordie?) :wink:
To be serious, this PC thing is the reason'so-called comics' now rely on sarcasm, snide remarks and 'effing and blinding'. To stay within the law, there's nothing else they can be 'funny' about. So we get drivel such as Dawn French served up the other day.
John (AKA Jack, JonJon and Oi you!)
Well said sir :!:
An a've niver had a problem with onybody caalin us a Geordie :lol:
They caan caall us whativer they like man as lang as they divint hit us :wink:
Bob
Benchwayze
Established Member
Well Villa are up there today...
So as a Villa/New-castle supporter I have divided loyalties, but I hope the Villa win.
:wink:
regards
John
So as a Villa/New-castle supporter I have divided loyalties, but I hope the Villa win.
:wink:
regards
John
