Joke thread

[Garno]

 

[Trainee neophyte]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Exluthier]

View attachment 115899

Fondler on the roof?

 

[Doug B]

Fondler on the roof?

I thought “fiddler on the roof” meself

 

[Droogs]

View attachment 115950

Still seems to be very appropriate though

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Droogs]

Not enough cheese obviously

 

[dzj]

 

[Droogs]

"Granddad " asked a little boy "How will I know when I am actually old?"
"That's easy young Timmy. You'll know you're old when the only shoe shop you can remember being in for the last 5 years is Sketchers"

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Someone said the other day that you'd know the day you grew up - it was the day you forgave your parents.

 

[flying haggis]

Not enough cheese obviously

I was going to say too much cheese for my liking

 

[paulrbarnard]

View attachment 116003

It needs warnings for lactose intolerance and gluten allergy. Apart from that a credible attempt at a salad.

 

[ecokestove]

Frank and Marjorie had been married for some time. Things had got to such a state that she let him have a sh.. only on his birthday. Well, it was his birthday, and Frank was enjoying his ride when he suddenly stopped asked, 'Sorry darling, did I hurt you?' 'No,' she replied, 'why do you ask?' 'Oh,' he said, 'I thought you moved.'

 

[dangles]

From the Rotherham Advertiser: Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment. Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story. “It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her pineapple to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire. ”Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework. “To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.” Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame. “I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow's not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.” But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; “I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.” Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an pineapple inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.” ReplyForward

 

[Doug B]

 

[Stan]

Little Jimmy, aged 3, looked at his heavily pregnant mum one day and said,
"mum, what's that?" pointing to the bump.
"That's a baby", replied mum.
"Where did you get it?" he asked innocently.
"Er, dad gave it to me".
Jimmy was quite happy with this explanation and went off to play.

Later that day Jimmy approached his dad.
"Dad, you know that baby you gave mum?"
"Yes?"
"Well don't give her another one, because she's eaten it!"

 

[Doug B]

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[selectortone]