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I couldn't think of a rhyme for the last line
Many, many moons ago there was a magazine called Car and Car Conversions. Everyone called it Triple C. They ran a competition to win a competition seat made by Corbeau. The competition involved completing a limerick that started:

There was a young man called Joe
Who bought a new seat from Corbeau


My friends and I tried to produce a winning limmerick. Our juvenile sense of humour thought one friend's suggestion was hilarious:

There was a young man called Joe
Who bought a new seat from Corbeau
He'd have got one for free
If he'd read Triple C
And written a limerick that rhymed


We didn't win.
 
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Seeing we're into poetry now....

Cast adrift
In an open boat,
With only the sea
To keep us,
Afloat.

(Spike Milligna.
Well-known typing error)
 
The new Sales Director stood up at the board meeting.
"Ladies and gents...you're well aware that this is the start of our annual advertising campaign, and to bring things up to date, I decided we should have a TV campaign..."
Murmurs of approval from the other board members, with lots of nodding from people who'd done absolutely nothing but take dividends, year after year.
"To that end", continued the Sales boy,"if you care to watch the TV over there, I shall shortly play you the very latest Corbyn Clout Nails and Fixings Ltd. commercial..."
"But how much did it cost?" asked one old boy, no doubt thinking of his annual divi.
"Granted, a lot," answered the SD, "in fact, an awful lot of money. We got some soap stars involved, and they don't come cheap. The best director too - we had to virtually drag him off a film set to get involved! We've also paid extra for the prime-time TV slots - half time through Coronation Street! Peak viewing! None of this comes cheap! In truth, I've also blown next year's budget as well..."
At this, even the MD stirred from his normal board meeting slumber...

The SD pressed a button on his remote, and the TV burst into life.
Stirring music, a wide panoramic vista. The camera slowly zoomed in on what appeared to be....a crucifixion on a distant hillside? The camera kept on zooming...
Dark clouds appeared behind the cross, before a bolt of light illuminated a man's crucified hand, with the camera zooming in close enough to focus on the nail head..."Corbyn's Clout Nails and Fixings Ltd" embossed around the outer edge.
A voice over repeated the company name, as the music finally tailed away.

A momentary shocked silence was broken by the MD...
"Nay, nay, lad! You'll get us all bloody lynched! There'll be riots on the streets! God almighty! No, no, no! This can't go out! It'd finish us!"

The board meeting descended into absolute chaos, with fellow directors baying for the SD's dismissal - at the very least. The two lady members were so shocked, they had to be treated with smelling salts in order to "come round".
The SD, realising he'd gone too far, was now fighting for his position, and promised everyone there that the ad would be altered.
"Meet here in a week's time, and I'll be able to show you the new version!" he promised.

A week past, and the same motley crew were again seated in the board room. The air was tense. The SD rose...

"Here's the new ad. I realise I overstepped the sensibilities of some - if not all - here last week, so I have rewritten the campaign in order to put our company in a better, and far more positive, light."

It was squeaky-bum time as the SD pressed his remote.
Stirring music, a wide panoramic vista. The camera slowly zoomed in on what appeared to be....a crucifixion on a distant hillside.
An audible groan went around the board room. It appeared to be exactly the same as before! Nervous tension got to one member, who failed to stop breaking wind. It was actually one of the ladies - that's how tense the atmosphere was....
Dark clouds appeared behind the cross, before a bolt of light illuminated a man's crucified hand, with the camera zooming in close enough to focus on the nail head...but this time, it was blank. They then saw the executed man's head appear, stretching to reach the nail with his teeth, slowly gripping it, pulling it out before spitting it away. He did the same on the other hand, leapt down from his position before doing a runner across the hillside.
"Wait for it! Wait for it!" shouted the Sales Director excitedly.
The camera focussed on two centurions standing beside the cross.
One looked at the other and said, "That wouldn't have happened if they'd used Corbyn's Clout Nails and Fixings...."
 
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing ."OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."

Pete
 
A man was thrown into a Soviet era prison cell, only to find there was another man already in there. The two men eyeballed each other warily in silence, as it was known that the authorities sometimes planted stooges to trick prisoners.

After a couple of days, the new guy plucked up courage to speak.

New Guy: What are you in for?

Old Guy: Anti state activities.

N: How long did you get?

O: Twenty years.

N: That's a bit unfair!

O: Not really, it's about the going rate. What are you in for?

N: ( angrily ) Nothing!

O: How long did you get?

N: Five years.

O: Now that really is unfair. It's only two years for doing nothing.
 
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Two guys at the bar...
"You'll never believe it, Sam, what happened to me on the way home from here last night..."
"Go on - try me"
"Well, decided to take the short cut home...y'know...footpath, up beside the railway line.."
"Yup - I know it."
"Well, I couldn't believe my eyes! Just past the allotments on the right, I saw something on the track! A blonde, tied to the rails!"
"Ye Gods! What the hell did you do?!"
"Obviously I went and untied her! Ropes round her hands and feet, but thankfully I managed to undo the knots! Picked her up, put her over my shoulder, and carried her home!"
"Bloody hell, Syd! Good on ya!"
"It was only when I got her home that I realised what a perfect figure she had! Beautiful, beautiful breasts, fantastic legs as long as you like..blonde like I said..."
"Crikey!"
"Mind you...I'm not feeling very proud of myself..."
"Not proud?!"
"Well, no...because of what I've just told you, I ...erm...couldn't help myself. She was so,so perfect...I've never had an experience like that...and I let myself down, I'm afraid. It was a case of trousers down, and...well...you know."
"Ah. That's not good, Syd. Not good at all. Mind you, if she was pretty, I guess some of us would weaken. Tell me, figure like a model, but was she pretty as well?"
"Pretty? Don't know, actually. I never did find her head...."
 
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