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At last!! I now have my own Screwfix/Toolstation comparison site.

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Two drunks after a late night lock-in at a pub, realise they have missed the last bus home.

"No problem", said the first, "the bus depot is just down the road. Let's steal one and drive it home".
"Won't we get into trouble?" asked the second.
"Look, if you're scared, you stay at the gate and keep watch while I nip inside. It should only take a couple of minutes".

They creep down to the depot and the first drunk sneaks inside, while the second keeps watch at the gate. Time drags on and he gets more and more anxious. Every now and then he hears a diesel engine start up, rev for a minute or so and then switch off. After about 40 minutes the second drunk has bitten his fingernails down to the quick, as his mate drives a bus out the gateway into the road.
"Quick, hop on!" shouts the first drunk.
"What took you so long?" said the second.
"Hey, it wasn't my fault they parked the number 15 at the back of the garage was it!" replied the first.

Wasn't that Jethro and Denzel ?

Nigel.
 
"This is just a drill!" yelled the air stewardess.
When you hear the instruction "Brace! Brace!", you must lean forward as far as possible, with your head on your lap."
"BRACE! BRACE!"

"Erm.... your own lap, sir...."
 
mentioned in another thread - instrument maker at Colonial Williamsburg would finish or display a newly made violin and tell the museum patrons:

"look, it's brand new and baroque already!"

The curators/directors request he not make the joke because "it made 18th century people sound foolish".

I thought it was pretty witty!
 
Vegans might be upset....
An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey.

As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places.

Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk.

Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey.

The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story ?

If you try to please everyone, you may as well............

kiss your ass goodbye.
 
Here's another Amazon related joke which is very helpful for two reasons:
https://tinyurl.com/Scotchsawdust
Here's another Amazon related one:
https://tinyurl.com/Scotchsawdust
Many years ago, we had a shop in Paddington, and the next door shop sold reconditioned electronic test gear. The owner used to pack up his son's soiled disposable nappies in a box, plaster "Fragile" stickers on it, and leave it outside on the pavement.

Well, I say "used to", he probably only did it the one time. Stuff like that can lead to broken windows or worse.
 
mentioned in another thread - instrument maker at Colonial Williamsburg would finish or display a newly made violin and tell the museum patrons:

"look, it's brand new and baroque already!"

The curators/directors request he not make the joke because "it made 18th century people sound foolish".

I thought it was pretty witty!
That wouldn't would so well over here, as we say "ber rock" as opposed to "ber roke".
 
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