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Titan_uk

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Shouldn't that read "Liverpool beat Man Utd. 5-0 yesterday"?
Same, but different!
Football isn't lowest score wins?? Well, you live and learn. So I guess they copied the scoring system from real games like rugby to make it interesting.
 

Bm101

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There was a young man from Japan
Who's limericks never would scan
When his friends told him so
He said "Yes, I Know"
"But I always try to get as many words in the last line as I possibly can"
FFS. If the joke thread has finally dropped beneath copy paste football memes to the ultra low of limericks and you can't beat 'em.
Join 'em.

I heard this in a gay pub at 3 am from a suspicious fat middle aged man dressed as as a baby. I'm not lying. They used to do lockins and it was generally a good crowd.
'Generally'. :confused:

There was a young Vampire called Mable,
With periods: remarkably stable,
So every Full Moon,
With the help of a spoon,
She'd drink herself under the table.
 

Robbo3

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Two elderly ladies met for the first time since school.
One asked the other: “You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well-planned life?”
“Oh yes” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire, my second to an actor, my third to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”
Her friend asked: “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”
“One for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready and four to go.”
 

Junah

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Three dogs sat side by side at the vets, one in the middle says to the one on the left "what you here for?"
"They've come to have me put down"
"NO! what for?"
"Well I'm 2 years old now and they still can't house train me, cocking my leg up and peeing on the furniture, crapping all over the Axminster, can't blame them really, can you"
The dog in the middle turns to the one on the right and says " He's here to be put down"
"Me too" says the other dog, "I keep chewing things, door frames, furniture, shoes anything really just can't help it"
so both condemned dogs say to the one in the middle "What you here for?"
He says "Well last night I was lying in my bed when I here a noise upstairs and so I go to investigate and I see it's my mistress getting out of the bath, she's bent over drying herself, and I can't help it but I'm overcome with lust so I jump up, grab her round the waist and do the business!"
The two other dogs look aghast and say " So are you here to be put down?"
He replies NO, I've come to have my nails clipped"
 
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A doctor says to his patient, ‘I have bad news and worse news’. ‘Oh dear, what’s the bad news?’ asks the patient. The doctor replies, ‘You only have 24 hours to live’. ‘That’s terrible’, said the patient. ‘How can the news possibly be worse?’ The doctor replies, ‘I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday’.
 
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