• We invite you to join UKWorkshop.
    Members can turn off viewing Ads!

Joke thread

UKworkshop.co.uk

Help Support UKworkshop.co.uk:

Jameshow

Established Member
Joined
4 Oct 2020
Messages
1,569
Reaction score
722
Location
Bradford
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today." 😂 😂
 

gcusick

Established Member
UKW Supporter
Joined
16 Sep 2019
Messages
99
Reaction score
73
Location
Devon
Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway when they get pulled over by the highway patrol. The cop comes around to the driver side and says to
Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

And so Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was". The cop scratches his head, and says, "Pop the trunk, I want to take a look".

He walks back, looks in and then walks around to the right side and says to Schroedinger, "Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?" Schroedinger says, "I do now".
 

Cozzer

Established Member
Joined
13 Jun 2017
Messages
187
Reaction score
256
Location
Derbyshire
Did you know that more kids were named "Lucifer" than "Nigel" in 2020?

(Not actually a joke. 'Tis true, apparently!)
 

Cozzer

Established Member
Joined
13 Jun 2017
Messages
187
Reaction score
256
Location
Derbyshire
During a child birthing class at a local hospital, a nurse says, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”

She turns to the men in the room and says “Gentlemen, remember that you’re both in this together. It wouldn’t hurt for you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”

The room becomes very quiet as the men absorb this information.
After a few moments a man at the back of the room slowly raises his hand. “Yes?” says the Nurse.

“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk.”
 

Linus

Established Member
UKW Supporter
Joined
24 Dec 2016
Messages
284
Reaction score
289
Location
Salisbury
Heisenberg and Schroedinger we driving on the freeway when they get pulled over by the highway patrol. The cop comes around to the driver side and says to
Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

And so Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was". The cop scratches his head, and says, "Pop the trunk, I want to take a look".

He walks back, looks in and then walks around to the right side and says to Schroedinger, "Do you know you have a dead cat in the trunk?" Schroedinger says, "I do now".
For those among us who struggled to understand this joke ( I didn't go to Uni unfortunately, and they never taught quantum physics in the Army either) the attached link will help enormously.

 

Robbo3

Established Member
Joined
28 Jan 2012
Messages
2,264
Reaction score
506
Location
Oxfordshire
Funeral

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel..."
 
Top