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Robbo3

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The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
 

Doug B

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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care
 

Cozzer

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The wife and I decided to spice up our sex life, so we got a Kama Sutra and tried out some of the stuff in it.

We did The Tortoise, then we did The Inverted Crow.

That's when the RSPCA turned up.
 

Cozzer

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I was having a cr4p on the toilet when my wife walked past the door.
She said, "Jesus Christ! Make sure you spray when you're finished!"
So I did.
Now she's complaining that there's pi55 everywhere...

You just can't win with that woman.
 
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