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flying haggis

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BREAKING:

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced that due to the new Indian covid variant people will now be offered the Pun jab

Please start taking this Indian Covid variant seriously, my neighbour caught it and has been in a korma for a week and he had only just buried his naan.

Some chapati I know has it, symptoms include feeling chilli so if in any doubt dhal 999.
 

Jonzjob

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I realise that and I wasn't offended, but some people who have a relative or close friend with Tourettes might be.

It's the same with the deaf jokes, it's just so easy to take the wee wee and it's so hard to defend yourself against that kind of humour if you have a disability.

I get really cheesed of about deaf jokes.

Just saying.
Deaf jokes?

I haven't heard many of those :unsure: :unsure:
 

Phill05

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To help bring a smile back if you can last it out.

A Day at the seaside.



On the map of North Notts. you'll find Worksop
Where'a lived when I wa'ra a lad

In a house wi'me Mam, two sisters and Gran
one brother, a budgie and Dad.

At the end of our street w'a a boozer
Black as stout, uninviting and glum

A den of depravity, it stank like a lavatory
Were me Dad went to hide from me Mam.

At the end of the bar, in a bottle
Every week, two bob he'd slip

for the annual treat, when the kids in our street
went to seaside on a coach trip.

We'd set off in morning from Worksop
On route for Sutton-on-Sea

with the holiday club ... them as paid up their subs
half the street me brother and me.

There w'a old Mrs.Brough from the tripe shop
Big soft Doris an her two lasses

an her sister, Ellen, with a bust like two melon
an a face like an ars'ole with glasses.

There w'a 'Perfumed Gordon', the hairdresser
and nobody did make it clear

why a rude boy, named Taylor, cried out, "Hello sailor!"

and something about ginger beer!

There w'a 'Desperate Derek', his brother, 'Big Eric'
and 'Basher', 'Gnasher' and 'Butch'

an Lil, who w'a willing for only a shilling
which w'a still about tenpence too much.

There w'a Mavis who wouldn't, 'cos her mum said she shouldn't
there w'a Neville who wished that he could,

An then there w'a Heather who said that she'd never
but looked like she probably would.

Well me Dad took a crate or two of ale wi him
Intending to travel in style,

Od'e coach did about 25 mile to the gallon
me Dad did half pint to the mile.

Rain were chucking it down leaving Worksop
through North Nott's it did not desist

there were cows with bronchitis and wet sheep to invite us
when Lincolnshire loomed in through mist.

Rain slacked off soon to a medium monsoon
and the day didn't look such a black'n
when the driver, called Reg, pulled up at a hedge
an we all made a break for the bracken.

Dad rushed for a tree and he said, "Scose me!"

an right there, one penny he spent it

he said, "Ain't it queer, one thing about beer,
yo don't really buy it... yo rent it!"

Well, this idyllic scene, 'mid the nettles and steam
w'a soon torn by me brother's plaintive cries,
the poor little nipper caught his 'donger' in his zipper
an w'a dancing with tears in his eyes.

Then back on the coach, off to Sutton
when we got there, well eeh! it were grand

an we gazed at the sea, cold ... the colour of tea
and smelled candy floss, dodgems and sand.

There were shops full of rock and hats with rude slogans
There w'a music and cries of hilarity

there were games on the sand, there were jellied eel stands
and souvenir shops packed with vulgarity.

Me brother ran down to the ocean
His intention, the water to reach

for his foot he'd just thrust in ... some'at disgustin'
a donkey had left on the beach.

The sea was as cold as a polar bear's dick
we watched Punch kill the crocodile dead

and after throwing some sand at the Salvation Army band
we went off to the funfair, instead.

There w'a ride called' Comet', made you scream, faint and vomit
half deafened, yo hung upside down

an the last bit, a spinner ... brought up rest of ya dinner
not bad y'know, for half 0' crown.

There were cards with fat ladies, nudists and Scotsmen
honeymooners and dirty weekenders

and in a machine ... what the butler had seen
dimly flickered about in suspenders.

We ate cockles and whelks and big winkles
soggy chips, toffee apples like glue

the hot-dogs were funny'ns, something rude wrapped in onions
but we ate them an pease pudding too.

Then we went on'ta dodgems and waltzer
an big dipper that rises and falls

It w'a on this machine that me brother turned green
an his eyes stood out like bulldogs balls.

This poor little chap, he w'a sick in his cap
It were his best'n ...an he started to cry

so not wishing to spoil it, we swilled it in toilet
and he wore it until it w'a dry.

Then driver found us and shouted, "Back to the bus!"

through the dark, we ran the whole way
candy floss in our hair ... but we didn't care
Eeh!.. we'd had such a wonderful day.

An with charabanc firing on seven cylinders
we set off for Worksop and home

rattlin along highway singing songs of Max Bygraves
accompanied on paper and comb.

In the dim orange glow of the coach-light, so low
courting couples were billing and cooing
hoping, perhaps, that the coats in their laps
would conceal the rude things they were doing.

We pulled up in our street about half past eleven
there w'a Mam, there w'a Granny an' all
they gazed with admiration at the plastic Alsatian
we'd won for 'em at coconut stall.

I drank up me cocoa, I ate up me sandwich
and soon up in bed I w'a curled

I w'a dreaming a dream ... I w'a leading a team
On first coach trip, round world.

Eeh!. .. them things that I did ... when I w'a a kid
although they were simple and small

now I'm grown up I find, I look back in my mind
I'm sure they were best times of all.



But of all things I'll tell ya for free

there's none can compete wi that charabanc treat
Wi me brother ... to Sutton on sea.

 

Cozzer

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An old one, but....

"Have you considered trying the Chicken Tarka, sir?" enquired the restaurant waiter.
"Ermm....do you mean a Chicken Tikka?" asked the diner.
"Well, it's quite like a Chicken Tikka, but a little 'otter..."
 

gwaithcoed

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Story of Petey, the Snake



This is the story about a poor little snake named "Petey."



Petey was a snake only so big. Petey lived in a pit with

his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother

said: 'Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss."

So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss.



Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and

hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit

and said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs.

Pott's pit to hiss in her pit. Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's

pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so he

hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's

pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She

said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go

to your own pit and hiss."



This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home.

When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying, and said: "Petey,

what's the matter?" Petey said: "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to

hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in

her pit anyway, Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her

pit and said: 'Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own

pit and hiss. Don't hiss in my pit.'"



This made Petey's mother very angry, and she said: "Why that

mean old lady. I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to

hiss in."
 

quintain

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I'm not complaining, I'm making a point.

I'm deaf and deaf jokes just ain't funny especially from people who just don't have a clue.
I do not laugh at your deafness as I do not laugh at my friend's deafness, do you just want me to be sad at your deafness, or do you hope that I and others will admire how you, like my friend has made a successful and fulfilling life even with your deafness. BTW I do have a clue following a major explosion which sort of threw me around a bit and I had to lip read one of my guys later saying 'can you do your tumbling act again boss, I missed it first time around'
 

mikej460

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Story of Petey, the Snake



This is the story about a poor little snake named "Petey."



Petey was a snake only so big. Petey lived in a pit with

his mother. One day Petey was hissing in the pit when his mother

said: 'Petey, don't hiss in the pit, go outside the pit to hiss."

So Petey went outside of the pit to hiss.



Petey was hissing all around when he finally leaned over and

hissed in the pit. Petey's mother heard Petey hissing in the pit

and said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go over to Mrs.

Pott's pit to hiss in her pit. Petey went over to Mrs. Pott's

pit to hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so he

hissed in her pit anyway. While Petey was hissing in Mrs. Pott's

pit, Mrs. Pott came home and found Petey hissing in her pit. She

said: "Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, don't hiss in my pit; go

to your own pit and hiss."



This made Petey very sad, and he cried all the way home.

When Petey got home, his mother saw him crying, and said: "Petey,

what's the matter?" Petey said: "I went over to Mrs. Pott's to

hiss in her pit, but Mrs. Pott was not at home, so I hissed in

her pit anyway, Mrs. Pott came home and found me hissing in her

pit and said: 'Petey, if you must hiss in a pit, go to your own

pit and hiss. Don't hiss in my pit.'"



This made Petey's mother very angry, and she said: "Why that

mean old lady. I knew Mrs. Pott when she didn't have a pit to

hiss in."
you could see it coming but still made me smile
 

Stan

stupid boy!
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Diner: (shocked) Hey, waiter. Your thumb is in my soup.

Waiter: (humbly) Yes sir. Sorry sir. I've got arthritis in that thumb and my doctor says I need to keep it warm at all times.

Diner: (angrily) Well you know what you can do with that thumb!

Waiter: Yes sir. I do that on the way back to the kitchen sir.
 

MARK.B.

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I'm offended that you think it's acceptable to post nude pictures of my wife on an internet forum, who are you and how did you get these pictures?
Thank you Bob for a minute i thought it was my wife :LOL: and i was just about to become offended myself :ROFLMAO:
 

Sachakins

You can believe it or not, that's your problem.
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Thank you Bob for a minute i thought it was my wife :LOL: and i was just about to become offended myself :ROFLMAO:
Glad you clarified that, had a horrible thought it could be the mother in law naked.
Not an image you want in your head.
 
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