Crampon am enw. Welsh name for Pancake
Joke Thread II
- Thread starter JBaz
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What am I doing here?
My old man was known as 'Spider', not because he was agile, he always needed helping out of the bath
A woman hitting her first shot on the first tee at her local golf club hit a severe hook and although she shouted Fore she was horrified to see the ball flying towards a group of men playing down the 18th fairway.There was a yell of pain and she saw one of the men fall to the ground clutching his groin.
She ran towards him saying how sorry she was and that she could help him as she was a qualified nurse.
Despite his protest she gently pulled away his hands, undid his belt, unzipped his flies and began to massage his groin area.
Does that feel better she asked after a while.
It feels great he said but the ball hit me on the end of my thumb
The vicar, the village doctor and the local magistrate were playing golf one fine afternoon.
The vicar took a swing but did not connect. "Bu**er, I missed" he exclaimed. The others raised their eyebrows in shock, but being gentlemen, made no comment.
At the next tee, exactly the same thing happened.
"I say, vicar", said the magistrate. "Is that wise?"
A couple of tees later and it happened yet again.
"Bu**er, I missed", the vicar shouted.
Suddenly, a lightning bolt flashed down and a tree ten yards away burst into flame.
"Bu**er, I missed" a deep voice rumbled in the clouds.
The vicar took a swing but did not connect. "Bu**er, I missed" he exclaimed. The others raised their eyebrows in shock, but being gentlemen, made no comment.
At the next tee, exactly the same thing happened.
"I say, vicar", said the magistrate. "Is that wise?"
A couple of tees later and it happened yet again.
"Bu**er, I missed", the vicar shouted.
Suddenly, a lightning bolt flashed down and a tree ten yards away burst into flame.
"Bu**er, I missed" a deep voice rumbled in the clouds.
dangles
Established Member
Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary" said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!" but before she could say "F*#k Off!", the Rottweiler ate her!"
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary" said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff!" but before she could say "F*#k Off!", the Rottweiler ate her!"
SamG340
Established Member
Two hydrogen atoms in a bar, drowning their sorrows.
"I think i lost an electron" says one.
"You sure?"
Yes, I'm positive!"
A neutron got into a fight and ended up in the local clink. "I want to charge him with public disorder", says the copper.
"Don't be stupid!" says the Sergeant. "You can't charge a neutron"
A muon gets done for speeding and opts to go to court. "It can't possibly have been me, Yer Honour!" he says, "At any one time one can detect my position OR momentum, but not both!"
"I think i lost an electron" says one.
"You sure?"
Yes, I'm positive!"
A neutron got into a fight and ended up in the local clink. "I want to charge him with public disorder", says the copper.
"Don't be stupid!" says the Sergeant. "You can't charge a neutron"
A muon gets done for speeding and opts to go to court. "It can't possibly have been me, Yer Honour!" he says, "At any one time one can detect my position OR momentum, but not both!"
A pair of oxygen molocules are drinking in a bar with hydrogen, when Hydrogen asks, "Do you wanna hang out with Deuterium?"
"Naw man, he make everything so f##king heavy, dude"
"Naw man, he make everything so f##king heavy, dude"
Keith Cocker
Established Member
I’m waiting for JOKE THREAD III. I’m sure it will be even funnier.
shed9
establiSHED member
We wish!
A Man washed up on a Beach after a Shipwreck.
Only a Sheep and a Sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a Deserted Island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the Beach every evening to watch the Sunset.
One particular evening, the Sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the Sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the Sheep and put his arm around it.
The Sheepdog, ever-protective of the Sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the Sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the Sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another Shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon.
That evening, the Man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her Eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him..????
He said,
"Nicola, can you please take the Dog for a Walk"
Only a Sheep and a Sheepdog were washed-up with him.
After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a Deserted Island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the Beach every evening to watch the Sunset.
One particular evening, the Sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the Sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the Sheep and put his arm around it.
The Sheepdog, ever-protective of the Sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the Sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the Sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed-by and, lo and behold, there was another Shipwreck.
The only survivor was Nicola Sturgeon.
That evening, the Man brought Nicola to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nicola and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nicola batted her Eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him..????
He said,
"Nicola, can you please take the Dog for a Walk"
A woman drove to the pub to pick up her drunk husbandOn the way back the car stopped and they could not get it started again.
She rang the AA and after a while got it going again.
The drunk husband then got out of the car and slurred Hey hey Mr. AA man what was the problem.
S**t in the carburettor he said.
Oh ok he said and how often should I do that?
Alan
This is a not so gentle reminder...no adult jokes or images are allowed anywhere on UKW. Since creating this new thread, it has been moderated several times to prune the inappropriate material.
I would recommend don't post anything you wouldn't want your Nan to see, but I have met some scary Nans. Please use a bit of common sense when posting here and be mindful of the extended audience.
I would recommend don't post anything you wouldn't want your Nan to see, but I have met some scary Nans. Please use a bit of common sense when posting here and be mindful of the extended audience.
Fidget
Trying
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