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IMPORTANT RESEARCH - PLEASE READ

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Steve

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PENCIL PISKY
(nikkus scribet)

ORIGINS
The origins of the species are unknown, but recent research points to a direct relationship with the Timber Troll (woodus hidet), the earliest references to which apppear in the Norse Sagas in relationship to the Viking shipwrights in the Trondheim region of Norway. The evidence is that Nikkus Scribet can, over time, mature or metamorphose into woodus hidet. However another theory is that the Pisky behaves as an attractant to the Troll, and could possibly be a branch of the genus Wherdafuk Izzit.

HABITAT
Nikkus Scribet prefer small to medium areas such as smaller workshops where there is an abundance of hiding places and established routes from one area to another. They are extremely shy, and usually seen only fleetingly from the corner of one's eye or more often as a fast moving blur reflected in a highly polished surface or mirror. They nest in small, undisturbed piles of saw dust, and seem to have a particular preference for softwoods, especially Pine. They appear to be extremely tolerant of changes in temperature and humidity.

FEEDING HABITS
There is a strong consensus that they thrive on the body heat of Homo Sapiens, which increases during periods of frustration. This is supplemented occasionally by the small pieces of skin, drops of sweat and blood deposited on the floor, benches and tools found in their favoured habitat. They require a fairly regular mineral intake and can only survive in environments in which small, easily digestible levels of lead are present. It would appear that they can live for long periods without fresh sustenance and that they are supremely adaptable. They are certainly carniverous.

INFESTATION
The evidence to date is conclusive and cause for concern, as so far, 100% of the owners of their favoured habitats report repeated and consistent signs of infestation. Worryingly, those with infestations of the Pencil Pisky also report strong indications of Woodus Hidet and other
sub-geni of Wherdafuk Izzit, especially the notorious species that retain their Norse names to this day: 'Droptlost' and 'Bangthummen'.

REMOVAL
To date, no totally effective method has been established. It has been found that large, clean and well organised workshops used by people with a methodical and careful disposition have far lower levels of infestation, but the usual organised chaos of the British woodworking shed is providing an ideal habitat for the spread of the entire genus which seems to be happening at an alarming rate.

In a bid to extend the research base, we are inviting the members of the UK's most respected woodworking forum to report any incidences of infestation online at their earliest opportunity. We also hope that by such publication, woodworkers may benefit from a sense of shared experience. We are particularly interested to hear from anyone who imagines they are totally free of infestation, in order that they can be subjected to public ridicule and have their integrity destroyed on screen.

Your participation is therefore requested.

Pencil Pisky Research Committee
 
A

Anonymous

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I'd like to report on a different genus, sharpas aspoonicus, which seems to delight in feeding on the mirror-like bevels on all my honed tools.
 

Alf

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Is there some correlation between this being and the notorious drill chuck key fairy?

Cheers, Alf

Wondering if this shouldn't be in the off-topic board? :roll:
 

Steve

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I thought not, because it's about woodworking, therefore general woodworking. Am I being too literal?
Or would you be intimating that it wasn't 100% serious by chance?

It's like the old saying goes...

Pray Lord, save us
from forumi relocatus


(I'll make a cuppa, shall I?)
 

Alf

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Steve":u0dm8ysq said:
I thought not, because it's about woodworking, therefore general woodworking. Am I being too literal?
Yeah, I wondered all that too, which is why it isn't already in the off topic section :wink:

Steve":u0dm8ysq said:
Or would you be intimating that it wasn't 100% serious by chance?
Good lord, wouldn't dream of it. :roll:

Cheers, Alf
 
G

Guest

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Cor!! I've been blaming senility for ages. Feel 20 years younger now.
 

Steve

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Hi Alf, Hi Esp,

I contacted the research committee, and the jury is out about the drill chuck fairy. Some are certain that this is an evolutionary step in the genus which seems to have appeared this century, whilst others think it may be of a different genus altogether: genus 'werza'.
This would place the fairy under ch'ke'at from the Arabic, so named by the Eighth Army who originally blamed the locals for pilfering in North Africa. The committee said that 'werza ch'ke'at' is now so firmly established, the only method to combat the infestation is to starve it out and use keyless chucks. However, this sometimes leads to fresh infestation by the annoying putmedrill rodent. The putmedrill can be tamed of course. In fact, don't you have a woodrat?

Sharpas Aspoonicus is, they say, a lost cause and something from which we all suffer, much like the house mite or VAT.

The committee asked me to extend their thanks to you both for your prompt responses.


Steve
 

Steve

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There ya' go Jaymar!

See Alf? This research is crucially important and belongs firmly in the main topic area. It's bringing positive benefits already!

Steve :D
 

Alf

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Steve":1oh5jl36 said:
See Alf? This research is crucially important and belongs firmly in the main topic area. It's bringing positive benefits already!
All right, all right, I sit corrected. :? I need a drink... :roll:

Cheers, Alf

Finally understanding why it is that, however big your workshop, there's never enough room. It's full of all these ruddy piskies and fairies...
 

StevieB

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Hmm, this may explain alot,

SWMBO suffers from a chronic infestation of wha'te'pineapple izit which breaks out when I remove a finished item from the workshop to the house.

I also seem to have a workshop containing nicadius depletus that lives of the power from the batteries for my cordless drills :?

Who would have thought that pictsies were so prevelant :lol:[/i]
 
A

Anonymous

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I manage to deal with that pasky pisky by having a large number of pencils in various locations so that I can usually lay my hand on another when one goes missing.
My major problem is the junkus collecticus that seems to think my workshop is the ideal place to store all sorts of kids toys and boxes of stuff cleared out of old cars. The biggest problems though are the large numbers of nearly empty tins of paint with badly fitting lids and boxes of plastic plant pots. I have a feeling that this creature is female and maybe trying to create a large nest in which to incubate her young.
 

Dr. Thrax

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This is all a very minor problem compared to the greatest threat in all global workshops, Sawdustus Spreadfarus, an old enemy that manages to get into everything, both mechanical and human. Bob, a trainee false bread identification manager for Tesco has identified a super genetically modified strain of Sawdustus that attempted to infiltrate a batch of innocent whole meal baps destined for human comsumption. The strain was tracked to a small Scunthorpean workshop and after anti-sawdust evalvation squads moved in it unfortunately escaped by way of a length of 3x2 that was unhappy at being disturbed in mid deborch with a walnut sideboard.... :wink:
 
A

Anonymous

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My dear Dr. Thrax,

We don't mention The Daemon in polite company.

Come to that, we don't even mention it here. Kindly conduct yourself with due regard to the delicate sensibilities of others in the future, if you would be so kind. I shall now have a stiff Glenfiddich to get over the shock, and can only hope that others on the thread will join me in forgiving you for such a breach of protocol.

Kind regards,

Steve
 
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