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Robbo3

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Laws

Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will..." - Here are some other Laws you may not have heard!

Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Lowery's Law of Home Repair:
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway

Beach's Law:
Interchangeable parts aren't.

William's Law:
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Lane's Law of Supply and Demand:
The one item you need is always in short supply.

Cannon's Karmic Law:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Norman Einstein's Law:
If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.

Col. Murphy's Law of Combat:
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder!

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The Scottish Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

-----
A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

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An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."

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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said:

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

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When a wealthy man found out he had terminal cancer he decided to take his money with him.

He went to his doctor his priest and his lawyer and gave them each $30 million in cash and instructed them each to throw a bag with the money into his grave at his funeral.

He died 1 year later and at the funeral each man walked up to the grave and thew in a big canvas bag. After the service the priest invited the other two out for a beer.

After a couple beers the priest said "I have a confession". I kept $300,000 of that money for a new childrens orphanage.

The doctor said "I have a confession to make as well". I kept $1.2 Million of that money for a new wing on the childrens hospital.

The Lawyer said "Gentlemen, I am very surprised at both of you". I threw in a blanket a pillow and a check for the full amount plus 12 months of interest.

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American Courts

ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY : What is your date of birth?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.

ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY : So the date of conception (of thebaby) was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Duh.............

ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?

ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Slinger

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Brilliant. As the Readers Digest used to say? 'Laughter is the best medicine'.
Slinger
 

Jonzjob

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John Brown":pv73g711 said:
Very funny.
"One less lawyer . . ." Should be "One fewer lawyer".
However, this small mistake did not adversely affect my enjoyment of the joke.

If I may correct your correction John it should be "one fewer solicitor" the other is why our trans Atlantic cousins are seperated from us by a common language :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
 

nanscombe

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An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

However, if the old man was British why would he be paying in dollars? :p
 
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