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Established Member
8 Nov 2011
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Sunny South Wales
Just had a bloke at the door asking if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for orphans. I told him “No; with my luck I'd probably win one."
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class fondle him. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything – Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.
Prince William says he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss; he still went.
I've just watched the Simpsons and realized it's a load of nonsense. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?
Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone? Girl replies, those are our opening times you clown.
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tip-ex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Some b*****d's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.