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Every Day Tools Explained………

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Woodchips2

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DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh S…!’ It also throws fine wire like pieces of metal all over the freshly painted, previously dented object, safely stored in the corner.

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle…. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after the pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut plywood sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the bin after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt: but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint tins. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 pence part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-puppy TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘Son……………h’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Hope you found this informative.

Keith
 

Jonzjob

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Funnily enough I already knew all of that. Now to find me 'anky to dry me eyes :lol: :lol: :lol:

You forgot the lathe though, used for turning expensive rare wood blanks into very expensive mulch for the garden and firewood. It also speeds up your 'duck or grouse' reactions when it throws bits of wood doing 2000 rpm at you just as you put the finishing touch on your 2 hour master piece!
 

tomatwark

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You also forgot.

TAPE MEASURE Used for measuring things so you can cut them the wrong size accurately.


Tom
 

bassethound

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tomatwark":3mv9jvg6 said:
You also forgot.

TAPE MEASURE Used for measuring things so you can cut them the wrong size accurately.


Tom
oh yes, first tool i ever bought ! still in use daily :?
 

Sportique

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:lol: :lol:

all very true, thanks for the laugh

What about the router - a tool used to cut rebates close to where you need them.

Dave
 

kmcleod

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I have an addition to the list..

Biscuit cutter
AKA – biscuit biter, designed to gouge channels out of finger tips when not acting as a portable wall integrity tester, (see Table Saw)
 
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