Contacting the police in Belfast

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Noel

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The text from a member of public with his local police station in Strandtown in East Belfast, all apparently true...


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Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Strandtown police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Strandtown, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Parkgate Crescent, which is just off Mersey Street, Belfast.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. In fact, I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Police car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again.. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant


Mr xxxx
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I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC xxxx
Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC xxxx
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Srandtown Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in Parkgate Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Belfast, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ****s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Holywood Road , or the one at Victoria Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Pollock Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on . If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Great Eastern Pub.

Regards
xxxx

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!
 

Gary M

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Unfortunately gents,
I live within stone throwing distance from Parkgate Cresent And can assure you that its no joke :(
Such is the sorry state of the new PSNI.
 

Noel

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I wonder if the resident in question is Sammie Q?

But I agree Gary. We had a car accident up the road and I went out for a nosey, as you do. Road was blocked and one or two very minor injuries, nothing really requiring an ambulance. A girl travelling behind rang the feds and they said they wouldn't come out, bye bye. I then rang and they said the same thing, they asked if anybody needed a ambulance, I said I wasn't sure. Still said they weren't coming out, so I said road is blocked and it'll soon be dark and just might present a hazard. They eventually came out, but I really shouldn't have had to beg.
Another thing that bugs me was the change from a direct number to the local station being replaced by a 0845 call centre number.
 

Digit

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I must be honest and confess that on five occasions I have also been reduced to such acts with various civil and official organisations. Regrettably it usually succeeds!

Roy.
 

big soft moose

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barkwindjammer":1ihrqrlu said:
Yes its hilarious, until its happening to you, only a matter of time.

i hear you can buy an AK47 in some belfast pubs for around £200 notes ( the by product of decommissioning)

A good burst of 7.62 short case should encourage the Mc asbos to go elsewhere , and who knows it might also bring a PSNI armed response vehicle to the scene ;)
 

Noel

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big soft moose":2kkpvbyw said:
barkwindjammer":2kkpvbyw said:
Yes its hilarious, until its happening to you, only a matter of time.

i hear you can buy an AK47 in some belfast pubs for around £200 notes ( the by product of decommissioning)

A good burst of 7.62 short case should encourage the Mc asbos to go elsewhere , and who knows it might also bring a PSNI armed response vehicle to the scene ;)

All police are armed in the PSNI.
 

SammyQ

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No Noel, it weren't I!!! This is a recycled/Belfastised joke from some time back and appeared originally (I think) in one of the Liverpool papers.

Ironically, I live (like Gary M) 2 streets away from Strandtown Cop Shop!!(Where are you Gary? PM?)

Even more ironically, my daughter recently caught a teenage scrote jemmying open our patio doors with my best garden spade.....in defence of 'The Peelers', a 'phone call had two quivering, eager, 240lb gents with attitude attend in Olympic time!! Unfortunately, despite their best trawl and search of the neighborhood, he remains at large. Even more remarkably, they knew exactly who they suspected they were looking for, in that one denizen of an inbred housing estate near us has embarked on housebreaking as a career. I am just glad my strapping, 6'2', weight training, Number One Son was not around; he has rapid reflexes (as a successful foilist) and would have promptly made this ingrate's life just a little physically uncomfortable in rapid time. Alas, the nice Polis Man said, regretably, this would have seen No1 at the mercy of the said turdweevil's Q.C. and "the compensation would have set in". No blooming wonder people in our part of the world used to turn to the gents in green parkas and balaclavas when the law impeded justice.

Sam
 

bugbear

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SammieQ":of4ht013 said:
No Noel, it weren't I!!! This is a recycled/Belfastised joke from some time back and appeared originally (I think) in one of the Liverpool papers.

Earliest sighting from a quick google is 26th October 2007.

It is "genuinely" from Bodmin and Edinburgh too.

BugBear
 
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