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Constable Savage


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Terry Smart

Chestnut Products
8 Jun 2004
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Hi Frank

Well, as you asked about the Constable Savage sketch...

To set the scene... it's the 1980's and the Metropolitan Police (and especially their task force the Special Patrol Group) are being accused of racism.
Cut to the interior of the Chief Constable's (played pompously by Rowan Atkinson) office where PC Savage is just entering (played by Gryff Rhys-Jones, complete with bovver boy haircut.)

"Come in, shut the door" says the Chief Constable
"Yes, sir" replies Savage, standing to attention.
"Now then, Savage, I want to talk to you about some charges that you've been bringing lately. I think that perhaps you're being a little
"Which charges did you mean then, sir?"
"Well, for instance this one: 'Loitering with intent to use a pedestrian crossing.' Savage, maybe you're not aware of this, but it is not illegal to use a pedestrian crossing, neither is 'smelling of foreign food' an offence."
"Are you sure, sir?"
"Also, there's no law against 'Urinating in a public convenience or 'Coughing without due care and attention."'
"If you say so, sir..."
"Yes, I do say so, Savage! Didn't they teach you anything at training school?"
"Erm, I'm sorry, sir..."
"Some of these cases are just plain stupid: 'Looking at me in a funny way' - Is this some kind of joke, Savage?"
"No, sir."
"And we have some more here: 'Walking on the cracks in the pavement,' 'Walking in a loud shirt in a built-up area during the hours of darkness,' and 'Walking around with an offensive wife.' In short, Savage, in the space of one month you have brought one hundred and seventeen ridiculous, trumped-up and ludicrous charges."
"Yes, sir."
"Against the same man, Savage."
"Yes, sir."
"A Mr Winston Kodogo, of 55, Mercer Road."
"Yes, sir."
"Sit down, Savage."
"Yes, sir."
"Savage, why do you keep arresting this man?"
"He's a villain, sir."
"A villain..."
"And a jail-bird, sir."
"I know he's a jail-bird, Savage, he's down in the cells now! We're holding him on a charge of 'Possession of curly black hair and thick lips."'
"Well - well, there you are, sir."
"You arrested him, Savage!"
"Thank you, sir."
"Savage, would I be correct in assuming that Mr Kodogo is a coloured gentleman?"
"Well, I can't say I've ever noticed, sir."
"Stand up, Savage! - Savage, you're a bigot. It's officers like you that give the police a bad name. The press love to jump on an instance like this, and the reputation of the force can be permanently tarnished. Your whole time on duty is dominated by racial hatred and petty personal vendettas. Do you get some kind of perverted gratification from going around stirring up trouble?"
"Yes, sir."
"There's no room for men like you in my force, Savage. I'm transferring you to the S.P.G."
"Thank you very much, sir."
"Now get out!"

On his way out Savage steps on a hedgehog, squashing it; this was a running joke throughout the show, which started with the lorry drivers singing 'I Like Trucking' and no, I'm not going to post that one!

Sorry to anyone whose copyright I have borrowed!


Thanks Terry

Can you do the Cheese Shop Sketch by Python next?

Mike :D (homer)


Established Member
10 Sep 2003
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terry tell us the trucking one :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: go on tell us :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

Terry Smart

Chestnut Products
8 Jun 2004
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Sorry Frank, I really don't think it works very well without the video of Mel Smith, Princess Anne et al driving big lorries and running over hedgehogs!

Mind you, lines such as
'On the road, you eat cafe food with pride,
You can throw it up outside'
'On the road, you can wear your shirtsleeves rolled,
You eat chocolate when it's cold'
and who could forget
'On the road you must be brave and tireless,
On the road, you can listen to the wireless'
are probably worth repeating!