Beer and sweet tea.

[dangles]

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk he beats me up."
Doctor: "I have a very effective remedy for that. When your husband comes home
drunk , just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in
your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes
to bed in his drunken stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk , I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps??

 

[Gary Morris]

priceless!

 

[DrPhill]

Bill: Have another pint?

Ben: No, I better not. If I have another I will be late, and no matter how quiet I am the wife always wakes up and nags me. I coast the car into thedrive with the engine off, quietly put the key in the lock, shut the door quietly. I even undress downstairs in the hall, and tip-toe upstairs. But the wife is always awake: "What time do you call this? Staying out all night, coming home stinking of beer and waking me up! You are a disgrace...." and so on. It just isn't worth it for an extra beer.

Bill: You have got it all wrong, mate. Here, I've got you another pint, and I will tell you what I do. I screech to a halt in the drive - even better if I can just knock over the dustbin. If I miss the dustbin I can always give it a kick after slamming the car door. Shouting at the next-door cat is good too. Then I fumble the key in the lock - swearing helps here - I get inside and slam the front door. Then I belch loudly and call out "Hi honey, I'm home. And I feeel in the mood for loving". Guess what - the wife is always asleep, not a peep out of her.