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Stan

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A tramp walks into a posh restaurant, sits down at a free table and wipes his nose on the tablecloth. He then begins to peruse the menu.

A smartly dressed waiter comes over, looks down his nose at the tramp and asks him in a haughty voice if he requires service. The waiter doesn't call security. He is a little cautious as sometimes they get some very eccentric millionaires and this apparent tramp could be one.

The conversation goes like this:

Waiter: (snootily) May I help you sir?

Tramp: ( farts loudly ), 'Ere, I'll 'ave some of that there gattox.

W: (baffled) I'm sorry sir, what was that?

T: (points to 'gateaux' on the menu) Look! Gattox.

W: Oh sir. That's 'gateau' (drawing out the last syllable with a superior tone in his voice).

T: Yer, well some of that then. How much is it?

W: Thirty pounds a slice sir.

T: What? (stands up). Well bolleau to that then! ( storms out).
 
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Sandyn

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Not a joke but one of the stupid things that seems to happen to me. I was at the hairdresser, almost finished the cut. The guy asked if I wanted my ears and eyebrows done, "fine" I said. He then gets this humongous cotton bud, dipped it in a jar of meths, set it alight and starts flicking it in my ear. I've had this done before, but was a bit horrified at the size of the flame on the cotton bud, then even more horrified to see my ear burst into flames. That was painful enough, but what really hurt was getting slapped on the head as the hairdresser frantically tried to extinguish my ear. It was over in a flash....no real damage done. I couldn't stop laughing because of the actions of the hairdresser and the look on his face. A very Fawlty Towers/Manuel moment. :ROFLMAO: :LOL:
 

dangles

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I had a terrible shock yesterday when I saw a cockroach in
the kitchen.I emptied all the cupboards out and scrubbed the kitchen
from top to bottom.
I caught the wife putting one in the bathroom this morning.
 

mikej460

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
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No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
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Still no idea.
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs during the rut?




Still no f&^king idea
 

Droogs

Is that chisel shar ... Ow
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Having the need to make a repair at home this morning and needing to cut a couple ofshelves, I grabbed my trusty panel saw and relied on on my muscle memory to get me through, having not done anything during the lockdown. Having apparently escaped the deadly covid it appears that my muscles have developed alzheimers



















1615845620532.png
 

Oraclebhoy

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Following on from the “what do you call a man with ....” jokes, if already covered then sorry.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.


What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack.
 

Droogs

Is that chisel shar ... Ow
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What do you call a Spanish lady with one tooth

Juanitta



What do you call a Dundonian girl with her head in the oven


Bridie



What do you call an Arab with a slice of bacon on his head

Hamead







What do you call an Arab with 2 slices of bacon on his head


Mohamead






What do you call an Arab standing between 2 houses with 2 slices of bacon on his head


Mohamead Ali





What do you call a cold Arab with 2 slices of bacon on his head standing between 2 houses

Sheik Mohamhead Ali


(Those were my favourite jokes as an 8 year old and I've never forgotten them)
 

Stan

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A drunk staggers out of the pub late in the evening. The cold air hits him, and he throws up all over a small dog tied to a nearby post. He looks at the dog for a moment or two and then says, "that's funny, I don't remember eating that!"
 

mikej460

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What do you call a man in a raincoat?

Mac

What do you call a man with two raincoats?

Max

What do you can a man with two raincoats standing in a churchyard?

Max Bygraves
 

gcusick

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While we’re here:

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the othe?







Eileen






And what do you call a Japanese woman with one leg longer than the other?







Irene


Thanks - you’ve been a wonderful audienc!
 

Stan

stupid boy!
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What is the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits the windscreen of a car?

Its bum.
 

Tris

What am I doing here?
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What do you call a man with a rabbit up his backside?








Warren


What do you call a man with a plank on his head?





Edward

What do you call a man with three planks on his head?




Edward Woodward
 
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