Another Joke

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OK Droogs. I guess "something's better than nothing", but smell's an important one too). Will that improve as time goes by?
 
AES that last comment was an attempted witty call back to previous post.
All the way through treatment the funny thing was I could smell things just not really taste them unless they were sweet or highly spiced, then they tasted like an ashtray otherwise everything tasted meh
 
Just checked my e-mail and found I have passes in A Level in maths and physics......

I left school 60 years ago
 
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I got an e-mail telling me my spirit level has been upgraded :eek: :eek: :eek:
 
OK, here goes, an E-mail my wife just got from a German girlfriend (translated by me), and PLEASE NOTE, NIL OFFENCE INTENDED TO ANYONE:

"Due to the sensitive nature of current the ethnic origins and skin-colour debate, the Government has decided that the Black Forest will, on all official publications, henceforth be referred as "The Forest of the most Extensive Form of Skin Pigmentation".

Well I thought it was quite amusing anyway.
 
OK, here goes, an E-mail my wife just got from a German girlfriend (translated by me), and PLEASE NOTE, NIL OFFENCE INTENDED TO ANYONE:

"Due to the sensitive nature of current the ethnic origins and skin-colour debate, the Government has decided that the Black Forest will, on all official publications, henceforth be referred as "The Forest of the most Extensive Form of Skin Pigmentation".

Well I thought it was quite amusing anyway.

I hope they don't change the name of the gateau o_O
 
OK, here goes, an E-mail my wife just got from a German girlfriend (translated by me), and PLEASE NOTE, NIL OFFENCE INTENDED TO ANYONE:

"Due to the sensitive nature of current the ethnic origins and skin-colour debate, the Government has decided that the Black Forest will, on all official publications, henceforth be referred as "The Forest of the most Extensive Form of Skin Pigmentation".

Well I thought it was quite amusing anyway.

As you were good- spirited with my childish joke earlier, I'll let you have that one. (Heads up, though - offence isn't meant or given, it's either taken or perceived. If we tell a joke from a position of privilege with no offence intended, it can still give offence - here endeth the lesson)
 
Stolen from a different place forum (and most likely stolen from somewhere before that):

TOOLS EXPLAINED

DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'
ANGLE GRINDER : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
MOLE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for setting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..
TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.
HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
STANLEY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
ADJUSTABLE SPANNER: aka "Another hammer", aka "the Swedish Nut Lathe", aka "Crescent Wrench". Commonly used as a one size fits all wrench, usually results in rounding off nut heads before the use of pliers. Will randomly adjust size between bolts, resulting in busted knuckles, curse words, and multiple threats to any inanimate objects within the immediate vicinity.
turnip TOOL : Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'turnip' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Any more to add?
My one would be:

TROWEL: the thing you use while plastering to turn a 90% good smooth surface into an 80% good surface, through constantly reworking to get it better, and then making it worse by 10% each time before giving up and deciding to use filler and sandpaper tomorrow.

Sent from my SM-G973F using Tapatalk
I love these ones.

Magnetic inspection torch: For testing pupil reactions and visual memory by briefly illuminating work area, then dropping down so as to shine directly into your eyes.

Coping saw: Shows the user the deterministic nature of life by creeping inexorably towards and past the marked line, regardless of how you try to prevent it.

Cheap thicknesser: Adds a decorative dip to each side of the only piece of wood you have for the job. When used in combination with...

...Dust extractor: creates a wall of noise that makes people wait outside the workshop, who would otherwise come straight in and bother you.

Dovetail saw: For elaborately creating kindling by sawing down the good side of the marked line.
 
Pour a measure of whisky, gin or rum into a glass.

Then see if you can smell it.

If you can smell it,

and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume,

You are currently free of the virus?

I tested myself nine times last night and was covid free each time,

thank goodness

I will test myself today because I have now developed a headache.

Which can also be a symptom.

I have to say I came across this cure quite by chance, and it actually works.
 
Her Diary :
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with the silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later he came to bed but I felt that he was still distracted and his thoughts were somwhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


His Diary :
Motorcycle won't start .... can't figure out why.
 
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Jock cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says, “Licence and registration, please.” London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Glasgow cop says, “Ye dinnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Glasgow cop says, “Ye still dinnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Glasgow cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law, Licence and registration, please!” London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.” Glasgow cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, “Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?”
 
Dating in the 60's

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

'Have a seat in the living room.. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? tea?'

'Tea, please,' Fred said. Mum brought the tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably watch a film, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar, maybe take a walk on the beach.'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied; eyebrows raised.

'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred.

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The bloody dance is called the Twist!'
 
Englishman, Irish man and Scotsman in a psychology lesson.

Teacher asks Englishman what's opposite of joy? He says sorrow.

He asks Scotsman what's opposite of depression? He says happiness.

He asks Paddy what's the opposite of woe?
He says giddy up.
 
Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a
matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
 
I volounteered to take part in the testing for the Russian coronavirus vaccine. I got my first shot today. So far I have никаких странных реакций или симптомов, кроме небольшого дефекта речи и тяги к водке!
 
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