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flying haggis

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Just been in Asda.

Saw a bloke whose trolley was full to the brim with toilet rolls, hand sanitizers, baby wipes, soaps, everything that people need!!
I called him a selfish ..
Gave him a low down about the elderly and mums etc who need these types of things.
Told him he should be ashamed of himself!



He said: “that’s all well and good mate but I work here, can I carry on filling the shelves now?
 

ScaredyCat

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What's the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?

One is a coronavirus, and the other is a Verona crisis!

.
 

Robbo3

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Contemporary Philosophers

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
Jeff Foxworthy

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
Prince Philip

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
Emo Philips.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
Jean Rostand.

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
WH Auden

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
Jonathan Katz

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the
impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
Warren Tantum

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
Steve Martin

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
Jonathan Winters
 

Cordy

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The amount of jokes about Coronavirus virus has reached worrying numbers.

Scientists claim we are in the middle of a pundemic
 

Cordy

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If you receive an email or WhatsApp with the subject

"Ding Dong"

don't open it.
They're Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.
 

Cheshirechappie

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Seen elsewhere;

"Single man with toilet roll would like to meet single girl with hand sanitiser for good clean fun."
 

Cordy

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What if mobiles are part of an elaborate plot -- to rid the world of phone booths so Superman has nowhere to change?
 

Geoff_S

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Trainee neophyte":ta3zns5m said:
Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other:



"Can you drive this thing?"
Stupid joke. :D My favourites!
 

Cordy

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When shopping in Harrods.....

ensure people stay at least two meters away from you -- by holding a Lidl carrier bag.
 

Shaggy

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Prince Charles is self isolating at Balmoral with Covid 19.
Prince Andrew is self isolating at Windsor with Jennifer 14.
 

Sonny184

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Shaggy":2mxtyobg said:
Prince Charles is self isolating at Balmoral with Covid 19.
Prince Andrew is self isolating at Windsor with Jennifer 14.
haha

Why are Chinese so bad at cricket?
Because they keep eating the bats!
 
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