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By andersonec
#742741
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."


Zoo keeper says to Murphy, "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it.
Would you consider shagging it for 500 pounds?".
Murphy replied, "I will on 3 conditions:
1st I'm not going to kiss it.
2nd My family must never know.
3rd I will need a couple of weeks to get the cash together".


FIVE HORSES IS HER NAME ... This is too beautiful not to share! This is mythical and deep.
Truly beautiful ...

A man asked a Canadian Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife, what does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered,
"It's old Indian name. It means ...NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"


An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."


Andy
Last edited by andersonec on 16 Jan 2013, 15:12, edited 1 time in total.
By wellywood
#826232
The funeral took place today of Jacob Cohen who died last week in a St. Louis nursing home aged 104. Mr Cohen achieved fame as a songwriter and perhaps his best known work was 'The Hokey Cokey'.
His funeral was attended by close family and showbusiness friends but, sadly, the ceremony ended in disaster. When the time came to place him in the casket, they got his left leg in and that's when the trouble started...
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By RossJarvis
#826300
wellywood wrote:The funeral took place today of Jacob Cohen who died last week in a St. Louis nursing home aged 104. Mr Cohen achieved fame as a songwriter and perhaps his best known work was 'The Hokey Cokey'.
His funeral was attended by close family and showbusiness friends but, sadly, the ceremony ended in disaster. When the time came to place him in the casket, they got his left leg in and that's when the trouble started...


:lol: :lol: :lol: (hammer) (hammer) (hammer) :lol: :lol: :lol:

Funniest joke I've heard in a while, some of the others are crackers too. If you like you're hokey cokey and also like Kraut Rock, see this;

//youtube.com/watch?v=dwaxWoJPUC0
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By Cordy
#1113847
Queen say's to Philip "I don't know which hat to wear tomorrow the beaver or the fox"

Philip asks "Where are you going?"

"Wigan" replies the Queen

"Wear the fox hat" says Phil


'M6 Junction 25' replies the Queen
By Cheshirechappie
#1114009
I was walking up to the shop t'other week, and saw my mate in the middle of his paddock. He was still there, in the same place, when I returned.

"What you doing?" I asked. "You've been in the same place a good quarter hour!"

"I'm getting an OBE" he replied.

"Eh?"

"Well, I was reading in the Chronicle last week about that feller in the big house up by the crossroads. Apparently they've given him an OBE for being out-standing in his field."
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By Bm101
#1114025
(You'll have to do the accents for this one in your head)


So Pierre the French fella meets a lady at the nightclub. They get on famously. Few drinks, a dance or two later they end up back at Pierre's place.
Pierre puts on the music, lights the candles. The lady is taken in by Pierres amorous advances and his thick French accent.
As things get heated Old Pierre moves in for the kiss. Breathless ,the lass is poised.
'Wait, wait' says Pierre. He dips his finger in her white wine and gently rubs it on her lips.
'Oooh, Whats your game' She cries.
'What. I am Pierre, ze french fighter plot. When I kiss the woman I kiss ze woman with white wine...'
Ah. Ok she thinks
Bit later, he has her top off on the sofa. As he moves seductively in he stops.
'Wait. Wait.'
He dips his finger in his red wine and gently rubs it on her nipples.
She bucks. What are you doing now?!?
'Patience my Darling, I am Pierre the French fighter pilot. When I kiss ze womans breast I kiss ze womans breast with red wine!.

She simpers, she's warming to this now.
As things progress and things get even more amorous Pierre has her trousers off. At the kinking of her hips and the body language old Pierre knows it's time. With her hand hands on the back of his head she starts to guide him when 'Wait! Wait!'
By now she's getting the idea.
'Oooohhh Pierrreee.....' she growls.

He grabs a bottle of brandy and pours it all over her.
The lady is writhing by now in anticipation.
Pierre grabs a match and PHHHOOOOM! theres flames everywhere!

She screams at him! You mad bast*rd! What are you doing!?

He shrugs.

I am Pierre. Ze French Fighter Pilot. When I go down, I go down in flames.
By graduate_owner
#1114027
Man comes home from the pub in a foul mood and tells his wife the new milkman was in the pub bragging that he's slept with every wife in the street, except one,
So what have you got to say about that?
Wife replies - I bet it's that stuck up bitch from No. 17

K
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By Robbo3
#1114072
Sometimes

Sometimes...when you cry, no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...when you are worried, no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...when you are happy, no one sees your smile.

But fart just ONE TIME!

------
Poison

A man goes to see his priest.
"Father, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The priest asked, "What 's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The priest, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The priest then offers: "Tell you what. Let me talk to her; I'll see what I can find out, and I 'll let you know." A week later the priest calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes".
The priest replied, "Take the poison."

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Girl With A Glass Eye

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. Reflexively, he reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies ....

You just happened to catch my eye.

---------
A prolific 89 year old shoplifter was sentenced to 18 months imprisonment.
On appeal it was reduced to life.

----
Bank

A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"

"Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank."

"Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra twenty. Bye."

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Gardening

A beautiful woman loved gardening, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked him, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No," she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

--------
Veterans

Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride.

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats.

The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times.

So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?"

Again the answer is, "l got this in the war."

Fred moves.

The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war."

His reply was, "No, l got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand."

-------
Funeral

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

----
Halloween costume

Desperate for a unique Halloween costume for an up-coming party, my friend, Jessica had an inspired idea.

She put on a slinky dress and fishnet stockings, and then balanced a small table-top on her head. Affixed to it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts.

She went as a 'one night stand'......and won first prize!

----
Work

A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.

After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new factory, the Personnel Officer told the young man,
"We need individuals who are totally responsible."

The young man grinned and responded:
"Well, I sure qualify. Everywhere I've worked, when something went wrong, I was always responsible!"

-------
Greeter

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and
a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.”

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.“

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?

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Heavy Load

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"

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A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, "You're gay? Doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

Nervously, the guy said, "Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so."

His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

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The 4 'F's

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. Fighting; 2. Fleeing; 3. Feeding; and 4. Mating.

-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

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By RogerS
#1114171
It was Postman Pat's last day of work and he went round delivering the mail in his last village. At the first house, they gave him an envelope with £25 in it. The next house ran a travel company and gave him two tickets on a cruise. And so it went on until the last house where the door opened to reveal a stunningly gorgeous young blonde wearing a negligee and clearly nothing else. Smiling sweetly at him, she took him by the hand and led him upstairs where they made passionate love.

After he'd had a shower, he went down to see a cooked breakfast and underneath his tea-cup a £5. Pat profusely thanked the young lass for all her favours and asked her what made her decide to be so generous.

"Well", she replied. "I didn't know what to get you so I asked my husband. 'F*** him', he said, 'Give him a fiver". Coyly she added,"The breakfast was my idea".