Moderators: Random Orbital Bob, nev, Noel, Charley, CHJ

User avatar
By finneyb
I was standing at the bar at the local British Legion club one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
I was talking to a young woman in the local British Legion club last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try"
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on,
what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
I went to our local British Legion club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
A bloke was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde English girlfriend and
she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".
By NazNomad
I went to the doctors with hearing problems.

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"
By NazNomad
If your wife says to you, "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new", just be careful.

Apparently, ''anything", doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
User avatar
By Nelsun
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
User avatar
By Jonzjob
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much, he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens...."
User avatar
By Robbo3
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an apple.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron.” The other says, "Are you sure?” The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Everyone's a comedian nowadays.
Even the paramedic who was unable to resuscitate Whitney couldn't avoid a gag!
When he radioed dispatch and said "It's Houston, we have a problem!"

My dad worked on the roadwork’s for twenty years before he got fired for stealing!
At first I didn't believe it.... but when I got home all the signs were there.
By NazNomad
My wife accused me of having an affair with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

How could she say that?
By NazNomad
They all laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian when I grew up.

Well they're not laughing now.
User avatar
By GrahamF
Some time in the future Trump dies and goes to hell. When he dies he's still suffering from the same problem of not looking ahead at the effect his comments/actions have.

Obviously, on arrival, he's interviewed by the devil who advises him he has to do 10 years good work to qualify for a transfer to heaven and, he has the choice of replacing one of the 3 upcoming vacancies in the presidential cells. The choice will be his.

First door opens and Nixon is there, swimming in a pool full of ice, chipping it into cubes for the devil's bar. "Can't do that says Trump, can't swim".

Next door, there's Bush breaking rocks for hardcore in new roads "Sorry says Trump - bad shoulder"

O.K then, last option. Door opens and there's Clinton, prone on a bed with Monica kneeling down - doing what Monica does best. "Good grief, does he get that 24 hours a day?" "Yes replies the devil, must get very boring after a while" "OK says Trump. I want this cell" "You absolutely sure?" "Yes, definitely" "O.K. says the devil - Off to heaven Monica"
By graduate_owner
This is a bit rude, and a bit long, sorry in advance.

Paddy was in London to watch the rugby between England and Ireland. After the match, with some time to spare he decided to go shopping.
First he went in to a well known chain store and bought some sexy underwear for his wife.
Then he saw a shop advertising wellies at a really low price so he went in to buy a pair.
While trying them on, he noticed one had L on and the other had R.

Paddy - hey, are you sure these are a pair, because one says L and the other says R
Shopkeeper - Yes sir, they are a pair, the L stands for Left and the R for right
Paddy looks bemused, then after a whort hesitation he says ' ah, I see'
Shopkeeper ( condescendingly) - yes sir, it's so you know which foot to ...
Paddy interrupting him - no I'm not talking about the wellies, I've just realised why my wife's underwear has C and A on.

I told you it was rude.

User avatar
By Cordy
I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night.

The wife said "You've never held the door open for me"

I replied "What about the time you threatened to leave"
By NazNomad
A Nigerian prince has died and left $200 Million to his cat.

Apparently he tried to give away his fortune for years but nobody responded to any of his emails.
User avatar
By Robbo3
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea (sic)...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks,
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
User avatar
By Robbo3
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot .....
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70! "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."