Moderators: Random Orbital Bob, nev, Noel, Charley, CHJ

By Cheshirechappie
Paddy and Mick opened a bar in Dublin. After a fortnight, it was obvious they were struggling - very little custom.

Paddy turns to Mick, "Ah, we need to start a brothel, so we do."

Mick looks scornfully at Paddy. "To be sure, that's just daft, so it is. If we can't get 'em in with the drink, how will we do it with broth?"

(NB - I shamelessly nicked this one from Dave Allen - so an Irishman told it before I did!)
By sawdust1
A carpenter working on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.
He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but
he can't hear him.
So the carpenter on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He points to his eye meaning "I", points to his knee meaning "need", then
moves his hand back and forth in a sawing motion.
The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out
his manhood and starts ma----bating.
The carpenter on the 5th floor gets so peed off he runs down to the ground floor
and say's " what the f--k is your problem! I said i needed a saw."
The other guy says, "i know that! I was just trying to tell you - i'm coming!"
By themackay

Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea.

I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.

You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning.

Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it...:)
By gregmcateer
Hee Hee for those above - a few good ones there.

Heard this today;

Q: What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

A: (In strong wet midlands accent) You can't wash your hands in a buffalo!
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By Cordy
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician ?

It takes me six hours to open my Christmas presents.......
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By Cordy
I've just put all my dogging equipment up for sale on Ebay.

Haven't had any bids so far -- but 12 people are watching.
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By Cordy
I hate it when people ask me what I'm going to be doing in 2 years......

Come on folks; I don't have 2020 vision.
By phil.p
When I go to an Indian, I always order a tarka masala ............ it's like a tikka masala, but a little otter.
By walterburg
Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
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By Cordy
There was a race between a brunette, a redhead and a blonde to swim across the English Channel; doing only the breaststroke.

After about 14 hours the brunette staggered up on shore and was declared the winner.

About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up to the finish line in second.

Nearly four hours after that, the blond finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporter asked why it took her considerably longer to finish the race, she replied -

"I don't like to sound like a sore loser -- but I think those two other girls were using their arms!"
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By finneyb
I was standing at the bar at the local British Legion club one night minding my own business.

This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute.
You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”;
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
I was talking to a young woman in the local British Legion club last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”;
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”;
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you’re over seventy..............who cares?
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born
just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try"
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on,
what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re over seventy...............who cares?
I went to our local British Legion club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re over seventy.............who cares?
A bloke was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde English girlfriend and
she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".