Moderators: Random Orbital Bob, nev, CHJ, Noel, Charley

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By Alexam
According to Tetley, the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag!

So every morning I slap her buttocks and say: "Two sugars Fatty!!!"
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By Cordy
My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son.

When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, "God, I wish that I'd used a condom now"

My wife was aghast and said, "What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?"

I replied "No --- I've got his girlfriend pregnant"
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By Cordy
I got up for the toilet in the night and noticed a stranger sneaking around in next doors garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and whacked him around the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel and bury him

Astonished I got back into bed.
-- My wife said "darling you're shaking, what's the matter?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen" I replied

" that Moron next door has still got my bleedin' shovel!!"
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By Robbo3
Seems you've brought this thread back from the dead :) ... so on that note

At our local funeral home families are given the chance to chose the music they would like to enter the service to.

One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."

The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."
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By Robbo3
A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
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By whiskywill
Robbo3 wrote:
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

A late friend of mine did have that tune at his funeral. It was played just as the coffin disappeared being the curtain at the crematorium.
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By Garno
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this FAT,
ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind'a cute.
You gotta phone number?"

I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches... But, when you're over sixty; who cares?
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By Cordy
On his tour of Ireland...

the Pope was asked what he thought of County Down

"I preferred it when Carol Vorderman was in it" he replied
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By gwaithcoed
Just had an email from " Bored housewife 33 seeks action to make me feel like a women again "sent her a basket of ironing. Hope that helps . :D :D :D :D

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By Cordy
"Diana!" I said greeting my Mother-In-Law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna"

I said,"Yeah, I know"