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By screwpainting
#1231478
Podraig is walking past the barn, spots Shamus dressed as a Chippendale gyrating around a large Massey Ferguson
"What the pineapple are yuse up to Shamus" he says
Shamus, red faced and perspiring.
" I has a fierce lust upon me fer that new barmaid, but she doesn't seem to notice me at all.
I went to the doctor to get some advice, and he told me to try doing something sexy to a tractor"
By clanger
#1231499
The other night I was invited out for a night with the "boys" I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily.

Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
 
Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)
 
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in. I told her "MIDNIGHT"... she didn't seem pineappled off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!
 
Then she said "We need a new cuckoo clock.”
 
When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh s**t" Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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By Cordy
#1231668
While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France,

at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast
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By Bm101
#1231717
clanger wrote:The other night I was invited out for a night with the "boys" I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily.

One of the fellas I was drinking with starts looking at his watch as the evening goes on. Oh no! he mutters. I see him but say nowt. A bit later I see him do the same. He looks at his watch and even though he's had a beer with the lads he looks unhappy. His head goes into his hands on the bar and I decide to address it.
Paul, mate, summat up?
Ahhhh god it's just the Mrs he says.
Is she sick I ask.
Noooo, shes a good lass but she hates me having a pint. Doesn't matter what I do its always the same story.
I dont go out to often he says but when I do she gets grumpy when I get home.
To make it easier I take me shoes off so I dont make noise on the gravel drive. I carefully use the keys to unlock the door, I get undressed in the dark downstairs without turning any lights on. I tiptoe into the kitchen to get a glass of water then head silently upstairs. I slowly open the door and creep ito the bedroom and there she is with the hump and shes having a go at me for coming home 40 minutes late and telling me Im a useless drunkard, her mother was right and Im a waste of space.
He looks down at the floor and holds his head in his hands.
I just dont know what to do! I'm at my wits end!
Thats weird Paul I say.
I'm out every night of the week pish out my brains. My Mrs never says a word!
Jeesus he says.
I know!
How do you manage that? says Paul.

Dunno says I.
Everynight I stumble down the road singing Danny Boy. I get to my house, I stab the key in the lock for about 10 minutes till I can work it. I fall on the hall floor. I get up and turn all the lights on then I go in the kitchen and make a bacon sandwich. Then I roll up the stairs and kick the bedroomdoor open! I turn the lights on and off a few times, pull the duvet off the bed and yell at the Mrs to see if she fancies it!

Christ! says Paul
Then what happens?

She's fast asleep everytime.
By gregmcateer
#1232330
Guy arrives at the Pearly Gates and St Peter welcomes him in.
The guy notices a wall full of clocks at different times. When he asks what that's about, St P says each one represents a person's lies. For example, top left is Mother Teresa's - no movement, bang on 12.00.
A few clocks along is Abe Lincoln - 2 seconds gone.
"Where's Donald Trump's?" asks the guy.
"That's in Jesus' office - he's using it as a desk fan"
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By Robbo3
#1232396
Cordy wrote:While Jim Apple was having trouble introducing himself in France,

at a hotel in Berlin, his friend Gordon Morgan was having similar problems when he arrived for breakfast

Took me ages to get them. :)
--------------------
Here's an oldie.

Tesco Letter

Tesco is a UK supermarket

This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
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By Robbo3
#1232397
Engineers

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

---
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

---
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

---
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

---
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

---
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

---
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

---
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
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By Cordy
#1234173
I was staying in a hotel last night. I phoned down to reception.

“Hi, this is room 26 Can I have a wake up call , please?”

"Sure" she said “ You’re in your mid 30s, single;

live with your mother and have achieved nothing in life !"
By dzj
#1234196
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,She saw that his two male parrots

Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...



Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...



Then, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said,

'Put the beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!
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By Cordy
#1235946
An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me"

The Irishman replied, That's just simple thievery, I'll show how to do it the honest way and get the same results"

The Irishman then proceeded to re- enter the store and call out the owner and says "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick"
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick

The Irishman asked him for a bun and and proceeded to eat it.
He asked two more times and after eating them the owner angrily asks " Okay, so where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman replied
"Look in this Englishman's pockets"
By phil.p
#1235948
Jonzjob wrote:That's a silly question. How on earth van a grown man's uncle be on child benifit? :shock:

My friend's uncle was twenty years younger than him.
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By Jonzjob
#1235992
Along the same line. When my son's father-in-law was alive he was just old enough to my son's grandad's father :shock: And I ain't kidding!