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By AES
#1218748
OK, got it (soreeeeeeeeeeeeeee)!
By celebrex
#1218752
My dog's just turned up at the pub shaking like a leaf.
He knows if I'm not home in 10 minutes he's getting my dinner.
By skelph
#1218788
It was 1066 and King Harold was talking to one of his generals. He asked, "How good are these chaps with spears"
The general got one to throw the spear at a passing deer and he killed it outright.
"Very good but the deer is a big target. What about the crossbow men?"
The general ordered a crossbow man to shoot at a pigeon in the trees. Down it came dead with the crossbow bolt right in the middle.
"Yes OK but the pigeon was sat still and an easy target" "What about the longbow men?"
The general picked out one particular man and waited until they saw rabbits scuttling about. Twang! The arrow fell to the ground under the bowman. He had another go and "perdoing" the bowman had the arrow in his hand and the bow on the floor.
King Harold pulled the general to one side and whispered in his ear "Watch that b*gger, he'll have someone's eye out before the end of the day"
By skelph
#1218890
Another one -

A motorcyclist swerved to avoid a fox, lost control and ended up in a ditch with a severely banged head. Dazed and confused he crawled out onto the edge of the road as a shiny sports car pulled up. A very beautiful woman with a low-cut blouse got out and asked him how he was.
'I'm not too sure,' he said looking hard at her stunning breasts.
She replied, 'Get in and I'll take you home and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.'
He said, 'That's very good of you but I don't think my wife would agree to that.' When she said that she was a trained nurse and it wasn't very far, he gave in still muttering that his wife was going to be really upset.
At her place, after a couple of cold lagers and with his head all bandaged up, she unbuttoned her blouse, smiled and said, 'Stay for a while. Your wife won't know anything, and by the way where is she?'
He replied, 'Still in the ditch with my bike.'
User avatar
By OscarG
#1219603
A man in a hospital gown walks into a pub and orders 2 large double whiskies. As the barman hands him his drinks he says "With what I've got, I really shouldn't be drinking these."

Barman asks "Why? what have you got?"

Man replies: "20p"


*Ken Dodd* ;)
User avatar
By Robbo3
#1219670
Retirement Options USA Style

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR

You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ..
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!

OR

You can retire to The Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc..
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Nebraska where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.

OR

FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
User avatar
By Robbo3
#1219671
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now, if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants
to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks...

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .... .

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?
User avatar
By Cordy
#1221108
The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates --- walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least" I said

"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered"

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.
User avatar
By Cordy
#1224569
The sky burns.

Empty buildings collapse into dust.

No birds sing and no insects move.

Earth's final drops of water evaporate into space.

A man crawls across a shattered plain, and with his last breath whispers


"To comply with GDPR we are updating our privacy policy..."
User avatar
By Jonzjob
#1224571
I've had an email about that :? :? :? :?

Although what I have to do with the German Democratic Peoples Republic is beyond me #-o #-o
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By Cordy
#1225330
Instead of an open topped bus,

Liverpool will now parade through the city in a horse drawn cart.

The horse has been supplied by Jurgen's brother --- Klippety.
By skelph
#1225515
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for £500, if not cured, get back £1,000."
Doctor "Young", who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's Clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr Young: Aaagh!! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500.
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."
Dr. Young (after having lost £1,000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your £1,000 back." (giving him a £10 Note)
Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be £500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
Remember: Don't make old people mad.. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
By clanger
#1231393
Dear Benefits Office Manager

 I would like to present before you the following story.

Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter.

After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.

My father eventually married her without my authorization.

As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.

My father's wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother.

This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.

As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.

Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.

A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.

My son is also my step-mother's brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefit

Sincerely yours,