Moderators: Random Orbital Bob, nev, CHJ, Noel, Charley

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User avatar
By Garno
#1306711
sunnybob wrote:Thats scary!
Theres a show JUST for onions? :shock:


The Newent Onion Show is world famous I will have you know, sponsored by Kleenex …… apparently
A very tearful event :D


Ok Ok I made that all up :(
User avatar
By Bm101
#1308211
I went to see a Mexican Magician the other night. Turned out he was a liar. 'I will vanish on the count of Three!' he shouted.
'Uno!'

'Dos!'

Then *POOF* He was gone.
At first I was impressed.
Then I realised he had disappeared without a trace.
User avatar
By Robbo3
#1308326
The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.


The decision to hire them was brought about by report on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 4 seconds without proper equipment, where as Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 6 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.


It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouser pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 4 seconds, but within 10 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McClaren team for 10 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Carlos Sainz's bird in the shower!!
By phil.p
#1308333
The best laugh I had for long time was my son's first email from university - everything is going well excepting that he's sharing a flat with three people who don't know how to do the washing up. :lol:
User avatar
By nev
#1309229
My grandad always said when one door closes another opens.
Lovely man.

rubbish cabinet-maker.
User avatar
By Garno
#1309915
Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub.

It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most

of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only

broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a

dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ...





BUMP........





BUMP........





BUMP........




Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain

he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.





BUMP........






BUMP........







BUMP........





He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box

approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more

clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put

his head down and started walking briskly home.






BUMP........






BUMP........






BUMP........






The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster.........






BUMP.... BUMP.......






BUMP........BUMP......






BUMP........BUMP.......






The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he

heard the coffin speed up after him ...






BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...






BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...






BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...






He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......





BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP... BUMP.....






BUMP.... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....





BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.....





Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was

only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his

keys; his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside,

slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and

slumped into his comfy chair.





Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through

the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin,

allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued

its relentless chase ..






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...





BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...





In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ...






BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...






BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH .... HOP...






BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP.... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP...



The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and


launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges ...





The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young, terrified lad.






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...




In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet ....




He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin ... but still it came .......





BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...





He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it came......





BUMP... SCREECH .... BUMP... SCREECH...






He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came......






BUMP... SCREECH ... BUMP... SCREECH...






He grabbed some Benadryl cough mixture and threw it ....




The coffin stopped.



Ok I will leave the room now, anyone seen my coat
User avatar
By Garno
#1309988
Chrispy wrote:No no no no!!!!
#-o


Bet you didn't expect that ending :D
User avatar
By Robbo3
#1310020
A gynaecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility decided he had to have a complete change of career. After giving it some thought, he decided that as he was quite serious about keeping his car in good order, then becoming a qualified car mechanic could fit the bill for something he enjoyed and was reasonably good at doing. However he knew that modern engines and systems were very different from his old veteran sports car, so he enrolled in a course at the local technical college. As he had a science-based education he pretty much walked through all the theory parts, and also did well in the practical tests. The final exam however required each student to strip and reassemble a complete modern engine that had a few deliberately introduced problems.

It was with a bit of concern that he started this last test. When he had finished he turned the engine over to the examiners for their final marking.

When the results were announced he was astounded to see that he had been given a final mark of 150%.

He asked his instructor how it was possible to receive such a mark.

“It was simple” said the instructor. “We gave you 50% for identifying the problems and stripping down the engine”.

“We gave you another 50% for flawlessly putting it all back together again”

“However we felt we just had to give you another 50% for your astounding ability to do all this through the exhaust pipe!”