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By CHJ
#1298526
phil.p wrote:That's my wife's nickname, Narnia. She has the hair of a lion, the face of a witch and the body of a wardrobe. :D
Will she be with you on the 8th. Sept. we could leave a welcome poster for her at the entrance. :twisted:
By Garno
#1298527
phil.p wrote:That's my wife's nickname, Narnia. She has the hair of a lion, the face of a witch and the body of a wardrobe. :D


Look likes Phil will be sleeping in his spare room this weekend :D :D :D
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By Robbo3
#1298543
Nelson at Trafalgar 2011

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
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By Cordy
#1301535
I've always fancied having a go at Bell Ringing

So I became a Jehovah's Witness.
By Turnr77
#1303280
A man loses his Penis in an Industrial Accident. He wakes up in the hospital the next day. Upon hearing the news that the organ was unsalvagable the man was devastated.

"Doc, is there nothing you can do?"

The doctor explains that conventional medicine can do nothing for him. However, he adds, there is an experimental treatment. The man quickly assures the doctor that he will try anything. The doctor tells him the operation must coincide with the death of a baby elephant. The doctor explains that the musculature of an infant elephants trunk is very similar to that of a penis and that research shows a transplant may be possible. So the man returns home to await the call that they have a trunk on ice.

Several months pass and the man is miserable. He tells the doctor his confidence is gone, he never goes out, he's missing too much work and drinking too much. The doctor consoles him as best he can until finally the day comes. The man awakes after surgery to see the surgeons smiling face. The operation was a success. After months of difficult physical therapy the man has regained his confidence. To celebrate he asks a woman to accompany him to a fine restaurant. They meet in the bar and all is going well over drinks and small talk. They proceed to their table and the waiter comes to take their order. Before he leaves for the kitchen he places a basket of dinner rolls on the table. Suddenly the man's penis bursts through his zipper, flops onto the table, grabs a dinner roll and disappears back into his trousers. The woman is flabbergasted and says "that was amazing! Can you do it again?

The man replies "probably, but I don't think I can fit another dinner roll up my @rse."
By Turnr77
#1303281
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad.
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts I'M A LIGHTBULB
I'M A LIGHTBULB Murphy watches in amazement.
The Foreman shouts Paddy you're mad, go home so he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
Where the hell are you going? asks the Foreman.
I can't work in the friggin dark says Murphy.
By Turnr77
#1303282
A man walks into a pub with an octopus and says to the barman "if my octopus can play a musical instrument of your choice can I have a free pint". The barman looks bemused but thinks there is no way an octopus could play an instrument and with that he points to the piano and says go on then. The octopus plays the most complicated piece perfectly and the man with a massive smile asks for his pint.
He says to the barman, "if he can play another instrument of your choice can I have another pint", the barman thinks it was a bit of a fluke and a piano was easy for all those arms so points to a guitar. The octopus picks it up and plays like hendrix and the man gets his pints.
The theme continues and the octopus plays the drums, harp and any instrument put in front of, the man continues to get his pints but the barman is determined not to be beaten. Finally the barman points to some bagpipes and he says go on then. The octopus picks them up and studies them for half an hour but still no noise, the barman declares victory and the man goes to his octopus and asks what the he'll was going on, you've never failed to play anything you've been seen. The octopus gives the man a look and says play with it, I haven't even worked out how you get her knickers off yet!
By treeturner123
#1304830
Brill Brian
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By Robbo3
#1304917
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He always made his own lunch ."
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By Cordy
#1304987
My mate with a stutter was telling me about his nan.

By the end of it -- we were all singing Hey Jude.
By gregmcateer
#1305613
Saw this in the guardian. Made me laugh.

I was recently in a coffee shop when I heard the barista shout: “Cappuccino for Spartacus” (Letters, 9 September). Sadly, only one person stood up, but it made my day.
Margaret Clarke
Clarendon, Victoria, Australia
By phil.p
#1305621
Joel Douglas, the less famous son of the actor Kirk, was performing at the Comedy Store and getting increasingly frustrated by the audience reaction. He started shouting: "You can't do this to me, I'm Kirk Douglas's son!" At which point some wag stood up and said: "No, I'm Kirk Douglas's son." Then someone else stood up, and so on. :D
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By Benchwayze
#1305767
Cordy wrote:My mate with a stutter was telling me about his nan.

By the end of it -- we were all singing Hey Jude.


Took me a while! #-o Not a huge Beatles fan. :mrgreen:

John (hammer)