Moderators: Random Orbital Bob, nev, CHJ, Noel, Charley

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By Brandlin
What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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By Robbo3
Famous Sayings

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator
- This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator
- Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator
- And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977
- Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.

5. US PGA Commentator
- One of the reasons Arnie ( Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . Oh my god !! What have I just said?

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said:
- You'd eat beaver if you could get it.

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
- So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night? Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
- Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
- There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this.

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
- Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: - They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
- Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.
The Chemist.

Arriving home after work a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone, and I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Mad as hell, the husband drove down to confront the Chemist and demand an apology.

But before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute, Sir, hear my side of it first please".

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late starting my day.

Without any breakfast I hurried out to the car to realise I'd locked the house with house and car keys inside. I hd to break a window to get my keys."

Driving a bit too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then about three streets from the shop I had a flat tyre.

When I finally got to the shop a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I started waiting on these people, and all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing.

Then I had to break open a roll of pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change and they spilled all over the floor.

I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the pound coins and the phone was still ringing on and on.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it.

Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing, no let up.

And I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Believe me Sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her".

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By squib
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" 
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ... 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL Database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. 

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the Farmer and says,
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,"says Sam.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man,
"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?" 

"No guessing required." answered Sam."You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog".
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By Fidget
A teacher asked her class what jobs their daddies did.

Little Tommy announced "My daddy's a stripper in a gay bar!" All the other children laughed. The teacher sent them all out to play except Tommy. She asked him "Is that true about your daddy?" Little Tommy replied "No, he actually plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say so!"
User avatar
By whiskywill
Fidget wrote:A teacher asked her class what jobs their daddies did.

Little Tommy announced "My daddy's a stripper in a gay bar!" All the other children laughed. The teacher sent them all out to play except Tommy. She asked him "Is that true about your daddy?" Little Tommy replied "No, he actually plays rugby for England, but I was too embarrassed to say so!"

This one resurfaces rather often lately. :D
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By whiskywill
A man was robbing a bank when his balaclava slipped showing his face.

He went up to the queue of customers and asked the first man "Did you see my face?" He replied "Yes". So he shot him dead. He went to the second customer and asked the same question. She also said "Yes" so was shot dead. He went up to the third customer and asked " Did you see my face?" The man said "No, but my wife did".
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By Robbo3
The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
"Washing machine: free to good home."
"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
"Great Dames for sale."
"Lost Cocktail."
"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."
"Free ducks. You catch."
"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"
"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"
"For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"
"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"
"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"
"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."
"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."
"Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."
"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."
"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."
"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
"Tattoos done while you wait."
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."
"Stock up and save. Limit: one."
"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."
"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."
"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."
"This house has been fully insulted."
"Man, honest. Will take anything."
"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"
"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."
"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."
"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."
"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."
"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."
"Illiterate? Write today for free help."
"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."
"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."
"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."
"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."
"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."
User avatar
By andersonec
Some news for you chippies out there....

Although Jesus was known as a Carpenter he never actually sang on any of the album's.

Sorry, Ill get my coat.
By mr edd
Got a text from an old mate it read,

I bought a new deodorant stick the other day, the instructions said ''unscrew top and push up bottom'', i haven't walked straight since but my farts smell beautiful...................
By phil.p
Robbo3 wrote:The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

My friend's best man got the hymn number wrong for his wedding. The hymn they got was "For Those in Peril on the Sea". :D
User avatar
By Cordy
The Mary Celeste mystery has been solved;
Michael McIntyre and Miranda were booked as the cabaret......
Last edited by Cordy on 13 Apr 2018, 08:47, edited 1 time in total.
Sorry Cordy, I'm probably out of touch, but I don't get that one at all. Who are John Bishop and Miranda please? (sorry if I've screwed it up) (hammer)