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By Cordy
#1285762
During my check-up I asked the Doctor
"Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied "I doubt it somehow -- Mercury is in Uranus right now"

I said "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense"


He replied
"Neither do I --- My thermometer just broke"
By AES
#1285797
Thanks for that. Nice to get a new joke once in a while - since I've been retired I don't get to hear so many - I MUST get out more!
By Quickben
#1288117
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily, so..around 3 a.m., a bit drunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! Winner winner chicken dinner.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem to suspect I was fibbing in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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By finneyb
#1296065
Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman.. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes,
let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down
and you s*** on its head.'
----------AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
By Dezzy
#1296530
I only found this site trying to obtain a manual and now I cant stop laughing
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By Robbo3
#1296668
A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got male!"

--------
The inventor of predictive text died today.
His funfair is on Sundial.

------------
A guy is watching his neighbor running out to the mailbox; she opened and shut it and went back inside. Five minutes later he saw her do the same thing; opened and shut the mailbox and went back inside. This continued for about an hour. Finally he asked her, "What are you doing?" She looked at him and simply stated "My computer said I HAVE MAIL"!!!

-------
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By Robbo3
#1296669
Email Addresses

Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and diverse pool of people to choose from.

Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms and you have some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the individual involved, nonetheless:

Actual E-mail Addresses

1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com

2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com

3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu

4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu

5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com

6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu

7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu

8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com

9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu

10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu

--
Domain Names

1. IT Scrap - Itscrap.com
2. Who Represents? - Whorepresents.com
3. Pen Island - Penisland.net
4. Experts Exchange - Expertsexchange.com
5. Speed Of Art - Speedofart.com
6. North Of Boston Jewish Singles - Nobjs.org
7. Go Tahoe North - Gotahoenorth.com
8. Les Bocages - Lesbocages.com
9. American Scrap Metal - Americanscrapmetal.com
10. Master Bait Online - Masterbaitonline.com
11. Therapist In a Box - Therapistinabox.com
12. Analemma Society - Analemma.org
13. Therapist Finder - Therapistfinder.com
14. Winters Express - Wintersexpress.com
15. Swiss BitSwissbit.ch
16. Dickson Web - Dicksonweb.com (now redirected to dicksondata.com)
17. Therapist - Therapist.com
18. Budget Cook Island - Budget.co.ck
19. MP3s Hits - Mp3shits.com
20. Kids Exchange - Kidsexchange.net
21. Choose Spain - Choosespain.com
22. Ben Dover - Bendover.com
23. Bitef Art Cafe - Bitefartcafe.rs
24. Powergen Italia - Powergenitalia.com (accessible only via the Wayback Machine)
25. Cumbria Storage Systems - Cumstore.co.uk (accessible only via the Wayback Machine)
26. Teachers Talking - Teacherstalking.org
27. La Drape - Ladrape.com
28. Children’s Wear - Childrenswear.co.uk
29. Mole Station Nursery - Molestationnursery.com (now redirected to molerivernursery.com)
30. Old Man’s Haven - Oldmanshaven.com
By Garno
#1298496
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf.
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom.
Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes,
And says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
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By Cordy
#1298509
I was outside my shop selling Lion, the witch, and the wardrobe memorabilia.

A bloke walking by asked me what I was doing.


I told him it's Narnia business.
By phil.p
#1298518
That's my wife's nickname, Narnia. She has the hair of a lion, the face of a witch and the body of a wardrobe. :D